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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25185376">You Can't Force A Flower To Bloom</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/minwonangst/pseuds/minwonangst'>minwonangst</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>((((is it??)))), Angst, Idol AU, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, huehuehue :D, some smut here and there</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:55:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>31,612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25185376</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/minwonangst/pseuds/minwonangst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There were a few things that Wonwoo knew and didn't know.</p><p>He knew it's gonna be it for him. Only a year since he had debuted, he's already on the brink of getting kicked out of his group for an impending scandal. </p><p>He knew that the company would put him on an indefinite hiatus and send him to an island away from the city to save the situation.</p><p>What he didn't know was that he would meet Mingyu in the middle of the chaos and pull him out of his self-inflicted misery.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>You Made My Summer Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Can't Force A Flower To Bloom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wanna thank the mods for organizing this fest and for being so accomodating to all participants. It's always a pleasure being part of your events :)</p><p>Also, thank you to A for helping me decide what prompt to choose and E for cheering me on while I was writing this. The months I was writing were hell but eventually I pulled through because of their encouragement.</p><p>To OP, I hope I gave justice to your prompt :) </p><p>Stay safe, everybody! And belated happy birthday to our dear summer boy Wonwoo &lt;3</p><p>DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names of characters in the story don't reflect their actual behavior in real life. Places, events, and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual situations and events is purely coincidental.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Did I deserve this? Maybe, yeah.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn’t sure what they’re talking about. I wasn’t sure what they’re going to do with me. One thing I was certain of: I was royally fucked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan had asked me to wait for him at the reception area of the top floor of this building. I didn’t usually come here. If I could remember it right, if my current heavily intoxicated brain wouldn’t fail me, I’ve only been here thrice. First, when they told me I would be included in a new group. Second, when they announced our debut song and our debut date. Third, today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s been only a year since we debuted and I didn’t think that the third time I would be summoned here would probably be my last.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The floor was quiet. It should be since it’s in the middle of the night. My head was still spinning because of the enormous amount of alcohol I had consumed earlier.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan caught me in a terrible time. We weren’t allowed to go out. Okay, yeah, we could but on certain conditions. They had reiterated it time and again, even if we were just newbies and only a few hundred knew our names and our faces, we couldn’t afford to fuck up. I didn’t know if it was just directed on me because I had created a few troubles in the past that almost caused my career, but, yeah, rules were rules and the six of us in the group should follow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time around, I knew it’s gonna be it for me. Only a year since I got into this idol business, I already was on the verge of being expelled. It’s inevitable if you would ask me. They had given me a lot of chances in the past. From being caught smoking weed in the practice room with Soonyoung because I forced him to come with me, to telling me to quit seeing Dongyoon after finding out that we were together. They didn’t allow dating and I promised that I ended things with him the last time Jeonghan had asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, of course, I lied. I couldn’t stop seeing the only person who kept me from spiraling down further. He’s the only person who told me that it’s okay to breathe sometimes, to unwind when I could because this idol life was eating the remaining youth in me. He’s five years older than me but he made me feel equal. When I was with him, I felt free. I felt light. I forgot the pressure that our company laid on my shoulders.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a year. We need a hit song.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonwoo, how are you coming along?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“8,000 copies sold is not enough to fund your expenses!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell Wonwoo to go to the studio and create something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it true that Wonwoo-hyung can’t write anymore? What will happen to us, hyung?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonwoo. Wonwoo. Wonwoo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s tiring. Dongyoon was my only refuge. I knew that the drugs he gave me whenever we were together were illegal and I shouldn’t be doing those lines of cocaine his friends made me do because sooner or later it would bite me in the ass. There were consequences. I knew those consequences. But I also had to hold on to something so I could go on with this job. My members were depending on me. If Jihoon and I wouldn’t create a brilliant song soon, we would be reduced to units and solo activities and might disband later on. Dongyoon, his searing kisses on my skin, the sweet words he whispered to my ears while we made love, the illicit substances that took me to high up in the sky even for a few moments… they kept me going.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stared down on the intertwined fingers on my lap. My hands were shaking. Perhaps because the cocaine was taking effect now. It might also be because of my nerves. Despite how I hated my job and generally my life right now, I was still terrified of the repercussions of my actions. Where would I go if they kicked me out? What would I do? I couldn’t go back to my hometown. I had begged my parents to allow me to go to Seoul so I could be what I was now. This life wasn’t the life they had planned for me. They wanted their eldest son to be either a doctor or an engineer. They didn’t see me as someone who would sing and dance in front of thousands of screaming girls. I doubt after the fight we had, I would still be welcome in their home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan came out after forty excruciating minutes. I thought I would be called into the room too and get a decade-worth of scolding from our CEO. He was extra strict to us since we were the first group he risked producing after debuting three successful girl groups before us. Maybe he should have stuck to creating female bands. IGNITE was probably gonna be his downfall.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, I wasn't. Instead, Jeonghan dragged me to the parking lot and shoved me inside the black van we usually use to transport us around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s happening?” I asked. My hands were still shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get your fucking seatbelt on.” Jeonghan snarled at me. He cursed at us on a daily basis and he scolded us like a mother but this was the first time I had seen him red with anger. Or maybe frustration. I didn’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I strapped myself on my seat just like Jeonghan told me. He didn’t speak while he drove. He wasn’t in a hurry. I couldn’t tell what he’s thinking at this moment. I wish he could tell me that they had kicked me out of the company and that they were throwing me out of the dorm so that I could start thinking about what I would tell Dongyoon once I showed up at his door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you a million times to stop seeing that asshole.” Jeonghan finally said. He didn’t look at me. His voice was calm but his grip on the steering wheel was tight. I could see his knuckles protruding from his fist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—” That’s all I could say. I didn’t have any excuse. I simply didn’t want to stop seeing Dongyoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You only have one thing to do, Wonwoo. One fucking thing but you can’t do it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One thing?” I shouldn’t be talking back. It’s part of the rules. Whatever our manager said, we followed. We didn’t have any right to complain. But, this is my life and they didn’t make me do only one thing. They made us do a lot. “You didn’t ask me to do one thing. You tell me to do a lot of things! And I’m tired of you making me do something I can’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan parked the car. This basement was familiar. We were already in our apartment building and he ordered me to get the fuck out of the car. I followed him to the elevator. In a few seconds, we were already on our floor and he pushed me inside our unit after keying in our password.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now, tell your members that you can’t fucking do anything anymore.” Jeonghan gritted his teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s past midnight, therefore, essentially everyone was still awake. We transformed to night owls when we didn’t have any schedules.  It’s been a month since we did anything. No one was booking us. Even small-time festivals wouldn’t get us if one of our senior girl groups wouldn’t come with us because we were not that relevant. We couldn’t attract that many people. We were this lame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungcheol was in his usual place in front of his computer, gaming, and whatever the hell he was doing there. Soonyoung was lying on the floor with Chan watching their favorite Youtuber on Chan's phone, Jisoo should be in his room reading a book or something while Jihoon was in the kitchen cooking dinner for everyone. The people in the common area looked at us the moment we entered. Jeonghan’s voice wasn’t that low when he announced our entrance that Jisoo got out of his room to see what’s going on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung? What’s going on?” Chan asked, putting down his phone as he sat up. He’s looking straight at me. This kid knew. He always covered for me whenever I went out without permission. He lied for me whenever Jeonghan checked in the middle of the night. I could see that he was scared for me, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell them.” Jeonghan pushed me. I almost stumbled but I remained standing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I felt bad. Not because I got finally caught or that I was gonna lose my job soon. I felt bad because I let these five people down. They relied on me, trusted me that I would produce something that would set us off to stardom. We dreamed together, starved together, trained our asses off together. Now, I ruined their chances, their dreams. I didn’t know how to face them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I—” I started. I couldn’t find my voice. I looked at each of them in the eyes. They were all waiting, terrified, upset. They all knew that my time had finally come. It’s over. “I was with Dongyoon tonight and he was arrested for illegal possession of drugs and gambling.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They weren’t shocked. When I left the house earlier, they knew where I was going and who I was meeting. Chan had tried to stop me. Seungcheol, our leader and my best friend, didn’t care anymore. He got tired of policing me. I wasn’t listening to him, anyway. He once told me that it’s just a matter of time before Dongyoon gets busted. He’s right. That time was now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Were you arrested, too?” Seungcheol asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. I fled the moment I saw Jeonghan’s seven missed calls. “I got out of the club on time. The police came in a few minutes later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you high?” It’s Soonyoung. He knew I occasionally use drugs because I experimented with him that one time but he knew I wasn’t a habitual user. All of them knew. I never had access to party drugs until I met Dongyoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. I heard Jihoon grunt from the kitchen. If there was someone who openly despised my choices in life, it’s him. He had told me directly how he hated that I had to meet with Dongyoon first before we could write something together. He hated that I was too dependent on Dongyoon, that I couldn’t say no to everything he offered me, that I was slowly ruining my life and dragging the group to hell with me. Jihoon probably hated me too, especially now and I couldn’t and didn’t blame him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisoo didn’t say anything. He was the only person in the room who hadn't spoken a word. He's one of the eldest and least one to tell us what he felt about the matter. He had endured everything I put them through but I hadn't heard anything from him. He would just sit down with me and listen to my rants about our fucked up careers and why I couldn’t stop myself from making bad decisions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, what now? What are we gonna do?" Seungcheol inquired. As the leader, he must know the next steps if there's any. Right now, the future wasn't too bright for us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wonwoo will take a break." Jeonghan answered. It's funny he said that because the six of us were on a break since a month ago. I didn't know what kind of break I would be doing. "Before his name gets tangled with his boyfriend's scandal, we're gonna put him away."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Away? Where? I looked up at Jeonghan for answers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We're sending you somewhere far from here. You'll have a nice retreat for a while." Jeonghan told me. He was smiling like he was telling me that he was taking me on a fun trip and I should be jumping down in excitement. Only, it isn't gonna be an excursion, he isn't joking, and I was not jumping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How about the group? Our fans? What do we tell them?" Again, it's Seungcheol who asked the essentials.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll figure it out soon." Our young manager sighed. I scoffed because they didn't even have a game plan. They really didn't have a concrete plan for us. We were their experiment. Anything went. They wouldn't care if we flopped. They could discard us easily because the company would still thrive with just three successful girl groups. We were nothing. "For now, Wonwoo has to be out of the media's sight and has to be distanced from that fucking basketball player."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All five of them didn't ask anymore. They must have accepted our fate. And maybe relieved that their problem would be lessened when I'm gone. Seungcheol didn't have to remind me about curfew anymore, Jihoon wouldn't stress about my work ethics, Jisoo's life would be quiet again, Soonyoung could sleep at night without worrying about me coming home high, and Chan wouldn’t lie for me anymore. The five of them were better off without me for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a while. I didn’t know how long that was. I didn’t know what they'll do to me or where they would send me. I couldn't care less because I just wanna get out of here. I did this to them. I did this to myself and the only thing I wanna do was run away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did I deserve this pain? Did I deserve the look of disappointment from my members, my friends? Yeah, I guess I did.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The first thing they did to me was put me in the rehabilitation facility. Jeonghan had informed my parents about it and sent them the forms needed to be signed by them so I could be admitted. I was already practically an adult, twenty-one to be exact, but since I was in the care of the company since I was seventeen and because the company doesn't want to be liable if anything happened to me, they needed my parents to agree and sign a waiver.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My mother had called me before I was admitted. She asked me what happened and if I was alright. The call was short as I didn’t know what to tell her, if I would apologize for the things I did. I was sure Jeonghan had told them everything before this. Knowing my mom, she just wanted to hear the details from me, to make sure they weren’t accusing me of something I didn’t do. She’s used to getting calls like this since I was in middle school. Trouble was my shadow. I used to always get involved in truancy or smoking inside the school premises. This time, it’s graver and almost got me arrested.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonwoo…” He called my name. I’ve disappointed her so many times. I thought being an idol would erase all of that. I thought being famous would make her proud of me. “I know you are a good boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, mom.” I really didn’t know what I was. I could hear dismay laced in her voice. How did she raise a son like me? How did I become like this? Maybe those were the unvoiced questions inside her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hung up after assuring her that I would be okay and that she shouldn’t worry much about me. I didn’t have the chance to tell her that I wasn’t a drug addict and that it wasn’t the sole reason why they were putting me in a mental health facility. At this point, I wasn’t sure if that would still matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I heard the beep that indicated that the call was over, I realized how much I missed my mother. It’s been almost two years since I last saw her, tasted her delicious food, and hugged her petite frame. I missed the smell of lavender that was always lingering in her clothes. I missed how she loved brushing my hair before I slept. She said that I got my shiny straight hair from my father and it was one of the reasons she fell for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The following day, Jeonghan drove me to the mental health facility where I would stay for at least two weeks. It depended on my behavior if I would get extended or not. The doctor who assessed me said I wasn’t crazy but it would help me if I would have space from work and things that stressed me out. Though, I wasn’t sure if it would help me if I would be surrounded by depressed people. I mean, kudos to them for seeking help but it’s still making me scared as fuck that I would be staying there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My members weren't in the house when we left. They were asked to go to practice for the sudden schedule we have. It’s just a small performance in a university. The company also had released a notice in our official fan cafe that I would be halting activities with the group because of “anxiety”. They didn’t specify how long but they asked for our fans’ understanding and continued support for the remaining five members. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the way to the hospital, I read comments under the post. Some were encouraging and, of course, some were speculating that my hiatus was connected to Dongyoon’s arrest. Our relationship was kind of an open secret to our fans. Some knew about it but there were also some (those who were too naive and too pure for this world) who defend me and my sexuality. It’s a never-ending discussion and I doubt there would come a time that I would settle it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungcheol texted me before I handed my phone to the reception nurse. All patients had to surrender their phones and laptops upon admission. We had to detach ourselves from the world so we could focus on getting better, they reminded me. My phone was the only thing I had with me besides my clothes. I left my computer in our dorm as I knew I wouldn’t have any use of it and that they would take it away.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Seungcheol:</b>
  <span> Take care, Wonwoo. Don’t think about us. Just concentrate on healing. We will miss you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t reply. I didn’t have the time and I didn’t know what to say. “Sorry.”? “I promise I will return healthy?” I didn’t want to say words I didn’t mean and make promises I didn’t know I could keep. I sincerely loved all five of them. That was one of the few truths in my life. The primary reason why I didn't fight my way out of this confinement the company was doing to me was because I cared about my members and I didn’t want to cause any stress to them anymore. Jeonghan had told me that if I didn't care about my reputation, at least I should think about the five other people in our group. That hit me hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Days inside the facility were painfully slow. I liked doing nothing during our free days. I could go on a day or two inside the house, detaching myself from the world through my computer games or books. But on the third day, I would usually start meeting people again, play with Dongyoon at his place or at the club, go out with the members wherever they wanna go. I wasn’t used to sitting in my room to reflect and write my thoughts. There were sessions that I had to attend every day but after that, it's free time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To stop myself from losing my mind further, I sit by the garden at the back. There was a gazebo at the side with a wooden bench. The facility was on a mountain in Paju so there's a nice view of nature when you're in that spot. Spring was about to end, warm breeze already making itself felt. It was nice to stay there in the morning after breakfast and in the evening after my sessions. I sometimes wrote my journal entries there, and some lyrics that were in my head. I didn't want to lose it. I thought, when I got out, I could go into the studio and compose a melody for it with Jihoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>People there didn't like talking that much. They were always by themselves, reflecting or just staring at the distance with empty eyes. I sometimes wondered what they went through, what kind of shit they got into, if this was all caused by experience or if they were just biologically fucked up. My assigned therapist told me that my case was light. There were other people in there that had it worse. Should I be happy knowing that? Would that help me with my recovery? To be honest, I just felt more terrible because I thought I didn't deserve to be there. I didn't need this treatment because I could sort this on my own. Other people need more help. This was all just an overdramatic measure from my company.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I told that to my therapist a week in the center. She only smiled and said "Wonwoo, all people need help. Sometimes, they just don't know how to speak up." She explained that even though others had grimmer cases, that didn't mean I didn't have the right to be in there. Agreeing to be there meant I knew deep inside there was something to be fixed. And it was a great development. Acknowledging the problem was one step closer to healing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They released me just as scheduled.  My therapist didn't feel the need to extend my stay. At our final session, she told me that she also learned a lot from me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You are special, Wonwoo. Don't forget that." She had told me. She took out my journal from her drawer and slid it on the table towards me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You really think I'm fine now?" I asked. Frankly, I'm afraid of going back out there. I didn't want to disappoint my members if this rehabilitation was a failure, if I was still sick when I came back to them. I wanted to make sure I was well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you feel fine?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know. I had gotten used to this secluded environment. On the fourth day, I didn't miss my mobile phone anymore. Heck, I could stay there for another month and hang out at my gazebo with Inchul-hyung to talk about his time at the military. I could be my fucked up self here without being judged. I could openly talk about what's inside my head, my worries, my insecurities without feeling vulnerable. All of them were sympathetic because they understood. Maybe I was fine being here. There, back to the dog eat dog world outside this sanctuary? I wasn’t so sure anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I would be okay." I said. It's the safest thing I could say to her. There's no promise but it's hopeful. I took my journal from her table and put it inside my leather backpack. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't prescribed medicine. She said I didn't need it. I just needed a safe and kind environment. It's in my file that they would forward it to the company. I doubt they could provide it for me with the kind of work I have. I was exposed to online predators, judging society, and harsh criticisms. I didn't know if I would survive the moment I stepped out of the facility premises. The calm I had developed inside me might get crushed once I get exposed to the world again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was willing to spend the remaining days of this rehabilitation inside our dormitory. It was the prescription I gave to myself. I would live in peace inside my room and exist like I wasn't existing at all. For a while, I could do that until I was ready to face the world again. Hopefully, mentally healthier and emotionally stronger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I collected my things from the reception. They gave me my phone and my wallet. I was finally discharged. They wished me well and hoped they would never see me again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan arrived a few minutes later. Even though we separated in a not-so-amicable manner two weeks ago, he smiled at me and hugged me tightly. I realized I missed him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good to see you again, Wonwoo." He told me, taking my duffel bag full of clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I smiled at him, too. "Nice to see you, too, hyung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you good?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. I felt a little better seeing him and with the thought of seeing my members again. I was coming home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We got inside the car and when we're already both settled and strapped, he said, "Ready for your next adventure?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tilted my head. I wasn't sure what he meant. "Huh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're going to Heuksan."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan didn't explain much about the details of why I was sent to an island somewhere in the south. He just gave me the train ticket that I needed to get there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's for the best." He had told me before we parted, when we heard the last call of passengers going to Mokpo and from there, someone would pick me up to take me to the said island.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, what they were doing to me was for the </span>
  <em>
    <span>best</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Banishing me to a remote island away from Seoul was for the best and all I needed to do was obey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Everything's arranged for. You don't have to worry about anything." He had also packed more things for me. My clothes, my laptop, my hard drive where I stored all my songs, my Bluetooth speakers, my headphones, and other essentials he thought I needed to survive were all there in my luggage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't have a say in this so I just nodded and took my duffel bag and my luggage from him. They have already planned this. What's the use of asking more?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And just like that, I found myself seated inside the express train going to Mokpo, the jump-off point to the scattered islands in the south of South Korea. I haven't been there and didn't think of going there ever in my life. All I knew about that place was that it's an island with a large national park.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I finally opened my phone and plugged it to the power bank Jeonghan put in my bag. Notifications flood. I closed most of them and only checked the ones that were important to me. Our group chat was still active. They were talking about some drama they were currently watching. They also wished me well and told me they were missing me. They sent a group photo with a caption "Get well soon, Woo!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was also a message from Dongyoon. He was discharged from jail after bailing. It wasn’t news to me because his dad had all the power and influence to do that.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Dongyoon:</b>
  <span> Where are you? Your company and your back-up dancers won't tell me anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He always regarded my members as back up dancers. He's an asshole like that, never cared to remember their names even if I regularly talked about them with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Dongyoon: </b>
  <span>You seriously won't reply??</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Dongyoon:</b>
  <span> What the fuck is happening to you, Wonwoo? Call me ASAP when you get this?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There was one message where he attached the photo of his erect cock, believing it would make me reply to him if I saw how hard he was. It's unbelievable how I, back then, would get so turned on whenever I received those kinds of messages. We would have cam sex all the time whenever we couldn't meet. I would tell him how I would swallow his cock and beg him to fuck me until I was spent while I looked at the camera. He loved that. He loved how I worshipped him in bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, I was staring at the photo of his dick and I felt nothing. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <b>Dongyoon:</b>
  <span> Tell me where you are and I will come get you. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Dongyoon:</b>
  <span> Answer your goddamn phone, Jeon Wonwoo. I'm losing my patience.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Delete all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next thing I did was listen to the voicemail messages. There's not a lot because the important people around me knew where I was and were aware that my phone was confiscated. Dongyoon was the only person who left me messages. Four to be exact and all of them have the same theme: He's dying to know where I was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like his texts, I deleted all the voice messages instantly after listening to the last one. My thumb hovered on top of his name. I was thinking of calling him back. At least, he had the right to know my whereabouts. Technically, he's still my boyfriend. We're still together. I just didn't know if I would still want us to stay that way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before I could press the call button, my phone vibrated and Dongyoon's name appeared on the screen. I answered it after the sixth ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wonwoo!" Dongyoon screamed on the other line. I missed his voice. This was the voice that lulled me to sleep at night when I couldn't relax. He's patient with me and always gave in whenever I told him to read me something. "Where have you been? I couldn't get a hold of you for two weeks! Chan won't tell me where you are. That Seungcheol dude almost punched me when I went to your place."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I needed a break." I replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Truth be told, I should've done this a long time ago. I should've distanced myself from Dongyoon and all the troubles that came with being associated with him. In the beginning, it was all fun and exciting. Playing fire with a famous guy gave me a thrill. It kept my adrenaline up. It made me feel alive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But all of it was shallow. The feeling wouldn't even last long. The moment I came home, I was Woo again. I had to be the mysterious member of IGNITE who never talked that much. Wonwoo was dead and buried, hidden behind the seemingly put-together Woo. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wonwoo, the real me, was broken. I didn't even know that I needed to be fixed until I was already torn to pieces and almost irreparable. I couldn't blame it all on Dongyoon. I gave him consent. I let him drag me down. Somehow, I was also at fault.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't call me again." I told him. I was being brave. It was hard to let go of him. Even if he was a whole jerk most of the time, he was the only person who was willing to comfort me during my most down moments.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What the fuck? Are you hearing yourself?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm serious. It's over."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You think you could survive without me? You know you'd come back to me when your head gets so fucked up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's true. I admitted that. It would be hard but I had to try.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going somewhere far. I won't be able to crawl back to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't get what the fuck are you saying. You--"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned off my phone. I'm done with Dongyoon. That's just it for us. There’s a sinking feeling in my stomach after I turned off my phone again. It felt like I cut one of my limbs and I wouldn’t be able to walk straight again. Leaving Dongyoon almost felt like that. However I put it, even if he was the most despicable person, no one had accepted me and gave me undivided attention like Dongyoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps breaking off with him was beneficial for both of us. He could start dating women now. I knew he’s really into girls, he wanted to have a family someday, and give his parents grandchildren. He’s a good person inside but his vices, power, and fame got into his head and fucked his behavior. Maybe getting arrested would teach him a lesson and start living a better life from hereon. He could stick with being an athlete, and eventually find a woman he could marry. I was only a distraction, his plaything, someone who gave him a good blow job. He could find a better fuck than I was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I fell asleep loathing myself and only woke up a few minutes before we arrived at the station. I heard my stomach grumble as I walked past the small food stands near the exit. Jeonghan said a person would be picking me up. He didn’t say who or provided me with any description. I guess there would be a high chance that I could be kidnapped today.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin, the name he gave me when he introduced himself, was waiting right outside the station. He was holding a “Yoon Jeonghan’s friend” sign on his chest. I knew he was my guy as there was no one holding a sign aside from him and I didn’t think Yoon Jeonghan was a common name. I walked to him without hesitation and told him who I was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” He chuckled as he took my luggage from me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I followed him to the parked taxi waiting for us. It should be the one that would take us to the ferry station going to Heuksan. It only took us about five minutes to reach the port. As Seokmin already bought tickets earlier, we went in right away. The boat would be leaving in exactly fifteen minutes. It was enough time for us to get settled and comfortable in the “first-class” area that we availed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s nothing fancy. We were put in the cabin where we had our own cushioned seats with enough legroom and space to move around. We had our own toilet which we could share with other first-class passengers. Economy cabin, where people only had the floor to sit, was at the lower deck. I preferred it more, to be honest, because I could lie down to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” Seokmin asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took out a container in his backpack and gave it to me. It had slices of kimpab, rice, and chicken strips in it. He told me that Jeonghan asked him to bring food because I might haven’t eaten on the train. Jeonghan really knew me so well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While eating, Seokmin shared that Jeonghan was his older cousin and I would be staying with his family until the company says that it’s time to go back. It was Jeonghan’s idea. He was the one who arranged everything and asked for Seokmin’s parents’ approval. He knew going back to my family wasn’t an option so he'd rather throw me to a remote island and have his relatives deal with a problematic kid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” I told Seokmin. He should be around my age, maybe currently a college student. He shouldn’t be wasting his summer vacation taking care of a stranger. “I’m ruining your vacation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin shook his head, both of his hands waving at me. “No, it’s okay! I’m not on vacation and you’re not ruining anything. You’re welcome to stay with us. It’s been a while since we had a visitor. My parents are actually excited.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you." I said, bowing my head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know how long I would be staying there but I hoped Jeonghan gave them enough money in exchange for agreeing to house me. It's a huge favor and even if they were family, they had the right to ask for compensation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After two and a half hours, we finally reached Heuksan. The sun was about to set when we alighted the boat. A man who looked like he was in his fifties called Seokmin. Seokmin ran to him together with my luggage. It was Seokmin's father. No one could deny it. They had the same eyes which turn into crescents whenever they were smiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is this the boy Jeonghan was talking about?" The elder one asked Seokmin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello." I bowed, paying respect to the owner of the home I would be staying in from hereon. "I'm Jeon Wonwoo. It's nice to meet you, sir."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin told me that their place was just about a twenty-minute walk from the port but since I was carrying luggage, his dad brought his car. I was fine walking. I didn't mind dragging my bag down the street. However, it would be disrespectful to do that if Seokmin's father insisted on driving.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before I finally left the dock, I looked back at the ocean behind me. The sun was slowly hiding behind the mountains from the other island, painting the sky yellow and purple. It's a nice view from here. The smell of the sea and the warm breeze hitting my skin told me this was really happening. I wasn’t in Seoul anymore and, for the first time today, I felt genuinely okay with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin's family was very accommodating. The house was located at the foot of a hill where most residential houses could be found. It’s a quieter area compared to the busy town that we passed a few minutes ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mrs. Lee cooked a sumptuous meal to welcome me in their abode. Like his husband and son, she was also jolly and hospitable. I knew they were aware of the reason why I was staying with them but they never let me feel that this was a punishment. They were treating me as their guest on vacation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When dinner was over, they let me rest in my designated room upstairs beside Seokmin’s. He said it’s his sister’s room when she was still single but he mostly used it now as an extension of his own for his other stuff. Some of his shoes were there and miscellaneous memorabilia of him and his sister from high school that their parents couldn’t let go yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you need extra pillows, just tell me.” Seokmin told me. Two was enough and the bed was warm. I had no other requests. “You can use the table if you need to. The toilet beside my door.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I put my backpack on the table and took out my laptop after Seokmin left me to have time for myself. WIFI password was provided and Seokmin gave me his phone number as well. It’s still pretty early for me to sleep so I switched on my phone for the second time today. Dongyoon’s messages flooded the moment I connected to the internet. I ignored it all and focused on the ones that were more significant.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Jeonghan:</b>
  <span> Have you arrived?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I responded right away. I told him the Lee family was taking care of me so he didn’t need to worry. He informed me that the members already know where I was and that they wanted me to know that they missed me and they wanted to see me soon. For now, Jeonghan wanted them to focus on their activities and for me to not make any contact outside the island. The more isolated I was, the better. It's really not for the group. It's more for my well-being. Even though I wasn’t really that popular, Dongyoon was and if I keep attaching myself to him, the more I risk myself getting involved in his scandal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan would appear that he only cared about the company and the image of our group, but I knew that he also cared about me. He was more of an older brother than a manager to me. He would scold me endlessly but when he found me wasted in the club that night, even in my hazy state of mind, I felt he was worried that I would die then. He worried that I got myself into the worst situation I could get into. And I knew that the reason why I was here with his family was because he wanted to make sure I was in good hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation was short. We never shared a long one. We never really had time to sit down and talk like friends or brothers. It was pure business between the two of us. He only did that occasionally with Jisoo. Aside from Seungcheol, he talked regularly with Jisoo. They were the closest ones. I never expected him to start being like that with me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Silence filled the room after that. I sighed before I turned on my side facing the window. There's nothing spectacular outside, just roofs of other houses. I guess the prettier view was at Seokmin's side since his room was facing the mountains. Mine was facing the street. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's only ten in the evening but it's already quiet outside, people were already at home and settled. The day was done. It was time to retreat since they rose early. It was completely different from my way of life in the city. Our day started at noon and ended at the wee hours in the morning. Despite the contrast, I think I could get used to this. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The Lee Family didn't force me to do anything. They didn't wake me up every morning. They allowed me to sleep until whatever time I would want to get up. Mrs. Lee would always have food in the fridge for me in case I got hungry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every morning at six, all of them would have breakfast before they leave for work. Mr. Lee was the one to go first. Mrs. Lee would follow after doing all the chores. Seokmin often went with his mother if he didn't have stuff to do but all of them would come home together at eight. Sometimes, they cook dinner. Sometimes, they bring food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Lees own a small restaurant in the city. Someone was managing it and they had employees working for them but the couple still wanted to be hands-on with their business. Mr. Lee still helped in the kitchen, Mrs. Lee still worked as the cashier, and Seokmin still cleaned tables in the afternoon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first three days, I roamed the island alone. Seokmin went with me to buy a bicycle and then showed me around. After that, I was on my own. I didn't ride far because I didn't want to trouble Seokmin and his family if I got lost. I would traverse the streets I was familiar with and carefully go through ones I hadn't been to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the second day, I found a spot near the port. Not a lot of people went there because the shore was rocky and the climb down was steep. I tied my bike on a tree when I went down. There was a long wooden bench under the shades of the tree, empty bottles of soju and cans of beer, butts of cigarettes, and burnt woods in front of it. It must be a campfire site. Or just a site to hangout for kids here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sat on the bench facing the sea, kicking some rocks underneath my feet. It's a windy afternoon, the sun hiding behind a fluff of clouds but would come out soon later after it's done resting. The warm wind blew my hair off my face. It made me realize how much it grew after almost two months of not having it trimmed. I was donning a longer style right before my hiatus. Silver-tinted middle part. It's longer now, already covering my ears. I could already tie it up behind in half. I didn't mind the length. It's frizziness that came from dying made me want to cut it all out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was busy looking at the dead ends of my hair that I didn't notice a company had come. He's looking at me like I was a creature from another planet. I mean, I knew I didn't look like I'm from around here because of my odd platinum hair. I haven't seen someone in the streets with loud hair colors. Even the kids here only rebelled with gold blonde. But, this guy. I felt like I was a deer being hunted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Excuse me? Am I invading this area?" I asked, letting go of my strands. I didn't know if this area was private or public. Maybe the dude wanted me gone for trespassing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He came closer, his jet-black hair swaying with the wind. He was wearing acid-washed worn-out denim shorts and almost transparent white plain tee that was hiding nothing of his body. The wind made it easy for me to see what's underneath and, to be quite honest, it was a sight to see. What struck me the most was his complexion. His skin was golden, shining beautifully even under the shade. A true definition of sun-kissed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He's beautiful. Yeah, he was. I won't even dare lie about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you a tourist?" He asked back. He didn't seem mad that I was here. He sounded curious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kinda."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kinda?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm here for a vacation."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, you're a tourist."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I chuckled. Am I considered a tourist even if I wasn't going on tours? I didn't answer anymore and made him more confused. "Look, if you want me to leave, I'm okay to leave."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't say I want you to leave. You can stay if you want. I was just gonna clean up."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guy took out a folded trash bag from his back pocket and started picking up the trash on the ground. He let me sit on the bench and silently did what he had come for, only the sound of his flip flops crushing rocks and the waves crashing on the shore could be heard. Occasionally, he would glance at my direction but would turn away if he saw me looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he's done, he tied up the bag and prepared to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This ain't a private area but no one comes here aside from us." The guy suddenly told me. "How did you find this place?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was biking around and got curious when I saw a path that led here," I said. I stood up and patted my ass to get rid of the dirt that got stuck on it. The sun would set soon. I should go home before dark or my poor eyesight would make it hard for me to get back at night. "I didn't mean to trespass or anything. This is just a nice place to hang out so I stayed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's fine." He smiled the slightest. "You can hang out here if you want. Just don't tell it to other people."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if I had other people to gossip with. "Understood."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I said goodbye to him and walked back towards the path going up to my bike. He followed. I didn't ride my bike until we reached the paved walkway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Where are you staying?" He asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"With my friend," I answered. He didn't look dangerous but he's still a stranger and he didn't have to know that information.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I left after we said our final goodbyes, wheeling my way back to the Lee residence. Seokmin was already at home and lounging in the living room. He didn't need to help at the restaurant today because he had to fix something at school before the summer vacation officially starts. It's his first year in college. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ah, college. I wish I could relate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, dad asked if you wanna go to the restaurant this week?" Seokmin looked like a puppy when he asked. It seemed as if he was scared to ask and know the answer but he had to do it because his parents told him to do so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's not something I didn't want to do. I would love to visit one of these days. Maybe they got the impression that I wanted to have my own time while I was here, that I didn't want to be disturbed, because I didn't speak a lot and I spent too much time with myself. But the roads would be familiar in no time and I would be bored with nothing soon. I should find a routine as soon as possible if I would be staying for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course. I'd love to."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>My hair was the problem. I needed to get rid of the dried strands and the fading platinum color soon if I wanted to blend with the island people. I didn't want to lose the length. It helped with my guise. All I had to do was color it black again so that people wouldn't look at me whenever I passed by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The residents of Heuksan weren't nosy. Because the island was considered as a tourist spot, the people were used to local tourists (especially those who came from major cities like Seoul and Busan) and foreigners visiting. They could easily spot who was visiting and who was living there. I didn't want to be seen as a tourist. I wanted them to look at me like I was born here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't need to go to a salon. I just bought a drugstore dye and dyed my hair on my own. I knew how to do it with ease after doing it so many times in the past. In less than an hour, I looked like my high school self minus the innocence and naivety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow," Seokmin said when I came out of my room the morning I promised to go with him to their family restaurant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is it ugly?" I touched the dry ends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No." He shook his head. "I'm just not used to seeing you look—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Normal." He told me honestly. I wasn't sure what that statement entailed, if it was a good or a bad thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin spoke before I could worry further. "Please don't take it the wrong way. I know you're a celebrity so it's my automatic response. But black suits you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No offense taken. Since debut, I haven't gone black. They gave me any color except black. It's part of the image. Woo, the silent one but with loud hair colors. The fans liked the contrast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We both rode our bikes going to the restaurant. It was in the heart of town. Lots of people in the streets, vehicles came and went, and businesses all opened just as the sun rose. It's a relief that people didn't look at me anymore. With my long hair covering half of my face, I hoped no one would figure out who I was. Or if they did, I hoped they wouldn't bother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The restaurant wasn't that packed yet when we arrived. Mrs. Lee was surprised to see me but she was glad I really came. Mr. Lee wasted no time and gave me an apron. He said it would be nice for the business to have a good-looking server because having Seokmin clearly wasn't helping at all. Seokmin frowned at that but we all knew his dad was only playing with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Customers started flocking in during lunchtime. It was easy in the first two hours. I used to work part-time at a bubble tea shop while I was a trainee so I more or less had an idea how to serve. However, when people kept coming in nonstop, I began getting confused with table numbers and orders. Seokmin asked me to take a breather first and only let me help again when the influx subsided.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By three in the afternoon, we could already relax and let some part-timers do the job. Mr. Lee served us their famous black bean noodles and spicy stir-fried octopus tentacles. I wasn't really a fan of seafood and maybe I got beat from working earlier but I asked for a second serving of those tentacles.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"By five, people will start coming in again," Seokmin told me. He burped after emptying his can of cola. "Do you still want to work?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shrugged. "I have so much time in my hands."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could get used to this. It's similar to when I first entered the company as a trainee. I knew nothing. All I had was my passion for making music and my guts. Dancing and personality development training were the hardest but I got through it. I learned. Waiting would be a piece of cake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if I was served spicy octopus tentacles every after work, it wouldn't be that bad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mr. Lee had no problem with me helping as long as I was willing to do it. If I had anything else to do, I could skip. He offered to pay me but I told him that feeding me and providing me accommodation was more than enough compensation. Besides, Jeonghan gave me my card in case I needed to spend. The bicycle was the only purchase I made so far and I doubt I would spend more than that in the days to come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"By the way,” I started. "Do you have a spare phone that I could borrow?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin nodded. "Yeah, I have. Why?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dongyoon was pestering me nonstop and I wanted to get rid of him. Blocking wasn't enough because I was certain he would use other means such as using other numbers to try to contact me. I needed a new phone so that I could keep my own turned off for the time being. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't wanna use my phone in the meantime," I replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin didn't ask further. Instead, he offered to go with me later to buy a new sim card. I was thankful he could easily understand me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah! You're late!" Seokmin yelled when the door opened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned around and I was surprised when I found out who it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's the guy from the beach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked more presentable today; dark slim jeans and navy short-sleeves shirt. He wasn't wearing any flipflops either. It's white sneakers day today. He still looked pleasing to the eyes though, his boyish charm intensified. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Only ten minutes!" He yelled back at Seokmin as he made his way to our table. He briefly looked at me but didn't acknowledge my presence. He greeted Seokmin's parents first. "There was a problem with dad's boat so I helped first."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's alright, Mingyu." Mr. Lee said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu, as I heard his name was, went into the kitchen and came back wearing a black apron just like the rest of us. He must be working part-time here as well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry I can't stay later. I have to go with Wonwoo to the market tonight."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wonwoo?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's only the second time he looked at me, really looked at me and I wasn't sure if I was upset that he couldn't remember me. His face was blank, just waiting for Seokmin to tell him who I was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah! I forgot!" Seokmin yelped, clapping his hands. "This is Wonwoo, my cousin's friend. Wonwoo, this is Mingyu, our annoying part-timer."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I thought I'm your best friend!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, yeah. Also my best friend." Seokmin corrected himself. "You're still annoying, though."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their banters were adorable. It showed how close they were. "Nice to meet you," I said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nice to meet you, too, Wonwoo." He smiled at me and I felt my heart leaped for a quick second. He turned to Seokmin and asked, "Which cousin?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jeonghan-hyung. You haven't met him. He's living in Seoul."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu turned back to me. "So, you're from Seoul?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. It's Seokmin who spoke for me. "He's here for summer."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I feel like I've seen you before." Mingyu pointed at me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin visibly panicked. Jeonghan told him specifically to keep my identity hidden, even from his friends. No one should know about me or the real reason I was here. He laughed to hide his nerves. "Where do you think you've seen Wonwoo? It's not like you meet a lot of people."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He just looked sort of familiar." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu dropped the topic when he was called by Mr. Lee to attend to the two groups of customers who came in. Seokmin and I were both relieved that Mingyu didn't recognize me as Woo. Though, if you would ask me, it was the least of my concern. I was more pleased that he remembered me. He just couldn't remember where. I guess it's the hair. Yeah, I was certain it was. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Volunteering in the restaurant was the best decision. It was a perfect way to kill time. Seokmin and I would go there after lunch until whatever time we wanted to stay. I didn't really mind if I stayed there all day. When there were no customers, the two of us would either play or, if Seokmin had other things to do, I would sit in a corner and write lyrics.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had mastered serving now. With minimal to no mistakes, Mr. Lee allowed me to work even during busy hours. And he was actually right about using me to attract customers. Despite being a place where middle-aged men went to have a drink after work, young girls had begun going to the restaurant after school and during the weekends. Mr. Lee had no problem if they overstayed as long as they ordered something. Likewise, I didn't mind the giggles and staring. I was used to it. I was trained for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was more worried that these girls would find out who I was more than I was. He would often tell the girls that they could come but he wouldn't allow them to take photos under any circumstance. It was also the reason why Seokmin never let me work without him. He was as strict as Jeonghan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you writing?" Mingyu asked while I was in my usual corner. Seokmin was still finishing washing the dishes. We were short of people today. Two called in sick so we had to come on early and might stay until closing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I closed my spring notepad before I replied. "Nothing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think it's nothing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Stop being nosy, dude." I tucked loose strands of my hair behind my ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is it?" Mingyu insisted. He sat in front of me, putting his hand under his chin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nothing. Just stuff."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that your little diary?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, what if it is?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed. This dude didn't know the concept of privacy because if he did, he wouldn't pry anymore the moment I said it's nothing. And he liked knowing stuff all the time. Seokmin couldn't take a break from him. Whenever he's around, he would always be following us like a fucking shadow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You like poems?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why would you still ask if you already saw?" I rolled my eyes, not bothering if he would find it rude.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, it's really poems?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No. They're lyrics."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're writing songs?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The answer to that question should be a no. However, I didn't know what came to me when I said yes. It's something I couldn't deny, songwriting. It's my passion. It's a part of me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although he's such an insistent motherfucker, the good thing about Mingyu was that he didn't blab. He would want to know every single thing but he would never talk. Seokmin had told me that aside from they were childhood friends and he didn't have any other choice, one of the reasons that Mingyu was his best friend was because he could keep a secret.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu just met me last week and he could spill my secrets to the whole town but I felt he wouldn't and that I could also trust him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What kind are you writing?" He continued.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anything," I opened my notepad again and flipped its pages. I hadn't written a lot since I came here. Just a few stanzas of three unfinished songs. I wasn't sure what kind of vibe I liked to pursue. I just wrote whatever was in my head. "There's nothing in particular."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu bobbed his head slowly, lips pursed as he watched people pass by outside. I looked at him and I couldn't help but get awed at how defined his jaws were, how mesmerizing the slope of his nose was, how sexy it was when his Adam's apple moved when he swallowed. I didn't know how he did that without even trying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I felt bad for a moment for staring. I had been catching myself doing that a lot ever since we started working together. I was trying to stop myself for the first few days but then I realized it would only be more difficult if I deprived myself. There was nothing wrong with appreciating God's art, anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you gonna sell it or something?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most likely, yeah. Jihoon still had to evaluate it but I was sure he would compose something that would fit the lyrics. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe," I said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wanna hear your songs someday." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wanted to laugh. I could just tell him to go to Spotify and direct him to IGNITE's discography. It should be easy but I wouldn't. It's not time yet. Maybe in the future. Maybe when I’m not here anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin came in before Mingyu could ask any more questions and told Mingyu to take out the trash.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It's only been a month since I've been sober and went to a party but it felt like eons ago. There's no alcohol or any illegal substance flowing in my veins for a while now that seeing a bottle of beer made me feel a bit anxious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The party was held at the beach where I first met Mingyu. It wasn't really a party like what I used to attend back in Seoul. It was just a small gathering of close friends every start of a season. Tonight marked the start of summer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're not drinking?" Mingyu asked when he noticed I wasn't holding any bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was fast to save me. "He doesn't like drinking."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is he a kid or what? Let the man drink."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't…. drink," I said. The lie burned my throat. Of course, I liked drinking but I was afraid that if I started now, I would go back to my old wasted self and defeat the purpose of this retreat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No shit?" Mingyu sounded tipsy. Understandable because he was already drinking since he started grilling and that was three hours ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's no bonfire tonight as the weather was scorching. They opted to put up lights and hang them on the branches of trees above us. It was better that way as it mimics the stars. There was a long table, the grill on the side, and drinks in the giant cooler. Someone brought a portable speaker (that sounded terrible) to amplify the party mood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin introduced me to their friends. Most of them were in college. Only a few, like Mingyu, who opted to work right after high school. Seungkwan was the pride of their class. He's currently studying in Busan to be a dentist. The only one, the lucky one, in their year to have the chance to study outside the island.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're from Seoul?" Seungkwan turned to me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. "Yes." I looked at Seokmin, making sure he could save me if ever his friend asked me questions that would be difficult for me to respond to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's the question I kept answering the whole night, but unlike the others, Seungkwan went to me to know more. It was scaring the shit out of me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Looks like it. You're wearing ridiculously expensive branded stuff." Seungkwan gestured at my Balenciaga t-shirt. It was the plain black one with only a small brand chest print. I didn't think anyone would notice and point it out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I couldn't think quickly. It was as if I was caught doing a crime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's fine. Kids these days wear those. No big deal." Seungkwan said, chugging on his bottle of Cass. He didn't ask more after that. He got busy with the guy named Moonbin who they said was one of the richer ones in the group. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I moved to the shore when Seokmin joined the drunk guys in singing the current famous ballad. I was so tempted to grab a bottle, just one, to end the night. I wanted to taste the bitterness of beer on my tongue and feel it burn my throat. I went to the cooler and took a can of cola instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the warm weather, the ocean breeze kept my skin cool. The sound of the waves drowned the loud chorus of laughter behind me. It was nice out here. It's quiet. It's dark, the only source of light was the moon, and it gave me peace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My peace only lasted for a few minutes when someone came and sat beside me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He's drinking another bottle, probably his 95th now. Who knows? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are you doing?" His breath also stank. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Obviously, nothing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why do you always answer 'nothing'?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because it's really nothing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I heard him chuckle. I couldn't make out his expression in the dark but I felt him move closer to me, his bare arm almost touching mine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You know, you're really familiar." He told me. He's so close, his warm breath hitting my cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I gulped. "Huh?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I really think I've seen you before. I'm sure I did."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe that's not me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu tilted his head in contemplation, looking at the ocean before us. I wondered what he was thinking, if he had the capacity to think while intoxicated. I've been there and I couldn't. But that was just me. Maybe Mingyu was different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moved even closer, our shoulders bumping now, his warm skin rubbing against my sleeves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Maybe." He uttered, still leaning on me while I kept my body upright. He was heavy and couldn't carry his own weight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I allowed him to stay like that for a couple of minutes more until he put his head on my shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm tired," Mingyu mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should be." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He drank a lot and he was closing shift again today. Seokmin had mentioned that he had two more jobs before going to the restaurant. I had no idea about his work but he must be exhausted from working all day every day. His only break was to occasionally drink with his friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, I'm really tired," Mingyu said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know what that meant. Despite that, oddly, I knew how that felt. Maybe it wasn't that serious. Maybe he was really just pertaining to his day. But, I let him be tired and use my shoulder as a cushion. He might really need it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And after that, we were never the same.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The two other work Mingyu was doing before he would come to the restaurant involved his parents. He would wake up at five in the morning to go fishing with his father. Afterward, he would bring their catch to the wet market to sell together with his mother. It's his routine every day that was why he would always be at closing shift. Mr. Lee knew about this. Mingyu's parents were one of his suppliers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you want to go to college?" I asked him while we were eating lunch together. Seokmin wasn't at the restaurant today. Mrs. Lee asked him to go to the service center to fix their WIFI connection. It had always been glitchy. The signal on this island was terrible. Data connection was worse. That's also the reason why I rarely use the internet now. Even if I wanted to, it would take me three years to load a single Naver page.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I asked Mingyu that question because every one of his close friends was studying. He was the only one who went to work right away. I'm pretty sure he had dreamt about it too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swallowed a spoonful of white rice. "It's not for me to decide."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We don't have money."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something broke in me. He didn't say per se but he sounded sad. He didn't have the luxury of choice because his family was financially challenged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Scholarship?" It should be feasible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head. "We can't afford to spend it on college."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I have a sick sibling."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I stopped for a moment, looking at Mingyu with rounded eyes. The more I get to know him, the more I felt horrible for living such a wasteful life. I had parents who were willing to pay for my education but I refused it and went on to train far away from them. On the other hand, here's a boy who wanted to study but his parents couldn't afford to send him to college so he was forced to work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The irony of life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I asked him about this sibling. He said his sister had congenital heart disease. She had undergone surgery when she was still a baby but they still had to pay for maintenance medicines and regular check-ups. The island didn't have enough facility for that kind of illness so she and her mother would go to the mainland for her monthly check-up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's really expensive. Most of my parents' money is spent on her medication." Mingyu explained. They didn't tell him to not go to college. It was his own will to work and help with the expenses at home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I learned that day that Mingyu wasn't just a boy with beautiful sun-kissed skin and wide beautiful smiles. He also had a beautiful soul. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe that was the reason I was so drawn to him. Even if I tried to distance myself, to pull back from him, I still ended up being mesmerized by his whole being. The twinkle of his eyes, the way his skin glistened with sweat, his genuine heart, his youthful manners, his manly appeal.. everything. Mingyu made me want to adore him.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The hot weather outside was making me think twice about going out. Seokmin and I were supposed to hike up the mountains to visit the famous century-old lighthouse but because Mr. And Mrs. Lee had to attend to something in the mainland, Seokmin was forced to manage the restaurant for the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's Mingyu's off. He said he would go with you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, he would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu came by after lunch. I wasn't ready to go. He was surprised when I opened the door and saw me still in a singlet and board shorts, not at all prepared to get the hell out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We're not going to the beach." He told me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grunted. I walked back inside my air-conditioned room and let him follow me upstairs. "It's so hot!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because it's summer."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I hate summer!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"For sure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I plopped face down on the bed with my foot dangling on the edge. I felt it dip when Mingyu sat beside my limp body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on. We need to be back before dinner." He nudged my arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't wanna."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're the one who planned this trip."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was true but I wasn't expecting that the sun would show up and try to grill me like a barbecue. It's too hot. It felt like hell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I rolled over and settled on lying on my back. Mingyu was looking down on me, his hair falling just above his eyes. "Can we reschedule?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Up to you." Mingyu shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I covered my face with a pillow and groaned in it. After a few minutes of convincing myself that this would be worth it because I might not return here anymore, I got up and packed my things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu advised that I should wear light clothes, preferably a white t-shirt and polyester shorts. Seokmin got me a hat that I could wear and some sunscreen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Water bottle?" Mingyu asked after checking my bag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I took a bottle inside the fridge and then we were off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We took a bus going to the trail and from there, we would have to walk an hour to the cliff where the lighthouse was located. It wasn't that bad, to be honest. It was hot but the trees offered shade and cool breeze as we hiked up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trail that we were traversing was the easier and tourist-friendly one. There's a harder one. It's steeper there and quite dangerous because you would literally climb rocks and trees. Mingyu proudly told me that he usually takes that one whenever he feels like going up the lighthouse as he believes it's good exercise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I'd rather die than go through that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We reached the cliff on schedule. There were some tourists there waiting for the sunset. Aside from the historical landmark erected there, it's famous for its magnificent view of the ocean which was the best background when you watch the day become night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We still had time to spare before the sun started setting so Mingyu invited me to check out the museum inside the lighthouse. It's a typical display of what the monument stood for and what it contributed to history. No one was allowed to go up which was a bummer. I thought we could at least see the ocean from there like in the old times.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why aren't you taking photos?" Mingyu observed. We were already seated on the grassy part of the ground while we waited for the sun to descend from the sky. Typical tourists would take snaps of every corner of this place. But I was just sitting there and taking in whatever I could record in my memories. First, because Seokmin's phone camera was shit. And second, I didn't think this was an excursion. It's just another day of me on this island.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I told him the first reason and he had the audacity to click his tongue at me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You really are odd." Mingyu shook his head but he had that boyish smile on his face. He wasn't mocking me. It felt more like he found it adorable that I didn't like posting on Instagram. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He continued. "Most people are into showing the world what they are up to. Even the food they eat. I don't understand that habit." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Me too. When the company gave us the go signal to have our own Instagram accounts, only Chan and I didn't do it. I didn't see the point since we have our official group account where we post anything we want. Seungcheol liked the idea because he wanted to interact more with his fans, Soonyoung didn't get how to use it in the beginning but he was learning, Jihoon liked to post the things he does in the studio, and Joshua, well, he was okay with it. Not really thrilled but he was fine posting once every blue moon. Chan was more of a Youtube person because he could post his dance videos there while I only liked looking and watching what they put on the web. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I guess it was because people would have more access to me if I created a personal account. And it wasn't like I had anything to post. I didn't have dance videos. I didn't have the confidence to take a selfie and post it unless it's required. I'm bad at fan service. Rather than an avenue to be closer to our fans, it was a place where people could take me down easily. We all knew that, out of all of us, I was the most susceptible to hate and scandals.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You could say that I like keeping things to myself," I told him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's funny because people our age put their lives on the internet while here we are judging their life choices." Mingyu cackled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Who said I'm judging?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Aren't you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just don't care."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu smiled. "Ditto."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before we proceeded with watching the sunset, Mingyu grabbed me by my shoulder and took a selfie of the two of us and the view of the ocean as the background with his ancient phone. I wondered how it was still working. The screen was broken and the edges were cracked. But the camera worked fine so I had nothing to comment anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu dropped me off before he went home and while I was discarding my clothes to take a shower, my phone vibrated. I opened the kakaotalk window right away when I saw that it was Mingyu. He sent me our photo, the only proof that today happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> In case you want a copy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We didn't look good at all. I was squinting because it's too bright. My bucket hat's visor was flapping because of the strong winds so I had to hold it in place. Mingyu was sweaty and his hair was disheveled. The angle was terrible and was against the light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I liked it. I was smiling the whole time I was looking at it. It was a terrible photo but our smiles were genuine. We looked happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If I had an Instagram account, this photo would be the only one on my page. If I could brag on things on the internet, this was it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's a no brainer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Saved.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I knew if I let Mingyu in, there would be no way out. But that fact didn't stop me from spending more time with him than necessary.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was okay with us hanging out. Most of the time, the three of us because he couldn't take me out of his sight as per Jeonghan's instructions (but school was the best excuse to leave me alone). After work, they would take me somewhere they usually go to when they have free time. Sometimes, we would visit a friend and we would stay there until before midnight and we would ride our bikes back to our houses. There were times when we would have spare money and we would sit by the secret beach with a few bottles of beer in the cooler (I was allowed to drink only three bottles each time) and just let time pass until it's acceptable for us to head back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In those times, Mingyu would be in a better mood. I noticed how alcohol relaxes him after a day of doing hard labor. During the day, he would always be tired, complaining endlessly about his back or the blisters on his hands. One time, he went to the restaurant with his three fingers gauzed. He said there was an accident in the boat and three of his fingers were sliced by a metal hanging loose near the edge. I didn't ask more about the gory details. For two weeks, until his wounds healed, I volunteered to do the dishes on behalf of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How long is your vacation?" Mingyu suddenly asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I seriously didn't know until when I would stay here. Jeonghan hasn't contacted any of us. The only instruction was to stay put and don't create any trouble. So far, I believe I was doing well doing those. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I've been on the island for a few weeks now and I felt like I've been here longer than that. I've adapted to the people. I got used to the simple life. Sometimes, most of the time at night when I'm alone in my room, I thought about just moving here if the company decided to kick me out permanently. I could be a regular citizen, buy a house of my own with my remaining money, and start all over again. No more Woo. Just Wonwoo.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He might skip this semester." Seokmin looked at me as he chugged his beer.  Whatever he says goes so I nodded. "There's online classes, though. He might take it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu laughed, almost spitting his drink. "Good luck with that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why?" It was me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The internet connection on this island is the worst. You'll fail all your subjects because nothing will be loading. "</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn't wrong. The signal here was so bad I couldn't watch a video on Youtube in 1080p without losing my shit. I had given up downloading sound clips and effects for my computer because it would take me years to finish it. It's good for sending messages and reading simple news articles online but it's bad if you're uploading content or downloading big files.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu had left the topic at that. A few more bottles, Seokmin was already out, splayed on the bench while I moved to the stool beside Mingyu. It was just me and Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, what's your deal? A Seoul university student having a vacation at a remote island?" Mingyu pointed out. In the few weeks that I have come to know him, I noticed that he had good intuition. He's a quick thinker. Mr. Lee trusted him more on making sound decisions in the restaurant more than Seokmin. It worried me that if we slipped once, he would figure out everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin's already wasted. I had no one to answer for me. I just had to wing it. Come what may. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"To be honest, nothing was going for me in the city," I answered. "I got into trouble and I don't know if I still have anything to go back to when I return to Seoul."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu tilted his head. It's incredible how after finishing 6 bottles of beer, he's still sober. No trace of intoxication. It was as if alcohol was just lemonade to him. "Did you, like, got expelled from school?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. I wish it was that simple. "No."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you can't go back to school because you did something?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded. "Yes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you wanna go back?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Truthfully, I wanted to. Not for myself but for IGNITE. I would be fine with whatever decision the company had for my career. If they wanted me out, I was good. If they wanted to keep me, I was good also. I'm fine with anything as long as it's the best for the group. I wasn't afraid to lose my career. I was more afraid of ruining other people's lives. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do. I miss some people." Particularly Seungcheol, Jihoon, Soonyoung, Jisoo, and Chan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu picked up a twig to play with the fire. We were silent for a few beats, only Seokmin’s steady snores and the sound of burning wood could be heard. I wasn’t sure what Mingyu was thinking about. What kind of perception of me he had acquired after asking me a few questions. Sometimes, even if he’s very transparent when it comes to his emotions, I still couldn’t read him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He finished two more bottles of beer before we agreed it’s time to go home. It was a good thing that Mingyu insisted on just riding their family truck instead of our bikes going here because I wouldn’t know how to take a drunk man home and two bikes all by myself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Our bikes went to the cargo bed. Mingyu and I carried Seokmin and let him sleep at the back. It’s my first time riding this vehicle and seeing Mingyu drive. We usually use our bikes to go around. I didn’t know he could drive.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not my car, by the way.” Mingyu suddenly said. Probably, I wasn’t subtle enough at staring at the whole interior of the truck. It’s an old vehicle. The windows had to be literally rolled down instead of the automatic ones in newer models. It still had a cassette player on its dashboard, and you had to manually set the frequency to locate an FM station. “It’s my dad’s.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I’m not asking.” I told him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You seem curious about the features of this car. Is it your first time seeing a manual car?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.” I shook my head. When I was younger, my father also owned this kind of car. I can’t remember it vividly but I knew I had the pleasure of playing with manual windows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu helped in carrying Seokmin to his room. Mr. Lee didn’t seem to mind seeing his son coming home wasted. It might be because this wasn’t the first time it happened. We tucked him to bed and then I went down with Mingyu again to see him drive off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good night.” I said, looking up at him. He’s really pretty taller than me. This height difference made me nervous. Dongyoon was way taller than him but he didn’t make me weak in the knees whenever he looked down at me like this. Mingyu was only a few centimeters taller but somehow the way he stared down in eyes and scanned my whole face gave me chills.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t respond right away. Instead, he pushed my hair away and tucked it behind my ear to look at my face. I could hear my heart beating loudly against my chest. It scared me that Mingyu could hear it too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your face is really something.” He said, not looking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re drunk.” I removed his hand from my neck. His touch was making me lose my mind. It was the first time he touched me intimately like this and it's the first time I felt I didn't want him to stop. Alcohol was really bad for me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu cackled. "I am." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Take care on your way. I'll see you tomorrow." I pushed him towards the truck and forced him to go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He got into the driver's seat and switched the ignition on. He got a sleepy smile on his face. Nevertheless, it's still adorable. "See you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, when I'm already clean and ready for bed, my phone vibrated while I was applying products on my face (still gotta take care of this face that brings in the cash even if I was on hiatus). </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> I'm a bit drunk but I wasn't lying earlier. Your face is really something. I like it better when your hair isn't on the way.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> I guess you're sleeping now.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu: </b>
  <span>Nyt</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't reply on purpose. I wasn't sure if I was brave enough to know what he really meant. I wasn't sure if I was ready for its effect on me.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"I was looking for you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this point, I couldn't get rid of Mingyu anymore even if I wanted to. If we weren't hanging together, we would be texting me nonstop. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu was practically smothering me with attention that I never asked. I wasn't sure what I did for him to act this way towards me. It just happened and we couldn't stop. A part of me revolted with this idea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>First, because I just got out of a dysfunctional and abusive relationship some time ago. Entertaining another guy would make me look like I was dick-hungry. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And lastly, I wasn't sure if Mingyu was gay or had any idea about the concept of the word. He looked pretty straight to me and he once mentioned the girls he dated in high school. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His actions confused me and I was too anxious to directly ask him what the fuck was up. The late-night texts, in my vocabulary, didn't seem platonic to me. Especially when he started asking personal questions.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo:</b>
  <span> What else do you wanna know? My zodiac sign?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> Usual stuff. Like your hobbies.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo:</b>
  <span> Are you a slam book?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu: </b>
  <span>Fine. So, when's your birthday?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo: </b>
  <span>We are not in that stage yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> Where are we then?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo:</b>
  <span> Are you really doing this?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wanna ask myself that question as well. Am I really doing this? Playing with an island boy that I would leave behind later? Am I really doing this while I was on this vacation? Am I gonna risk my and my members' reputation just for this guy?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu</b>
  <span>: What? What am I doing?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo:</b>
  <span> I don't know. Please shed some fucking light.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> I just wanna know more about you.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Wonwoo:</b>
  <span> Because?</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Mingyu:</b>
  <span> Because I want to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned around and saw Mingyu walking towards the bench where I was sitting. I wasn’t showing up in the restaurant for a few days now. I already told Seokmin that I would take a day off. It's been more than eight weeks since I started working seven days a week and I felt like I needed a day to be with myself again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I went to the secret beach and brought my journal with me. I haven't opened it for a while. I promised myself I would be writing while I was here but I barely got anything done that was satisfying to me. I was busy helping at the restaurant all day. I was having so much fun living the island life that I almost had forgotten the part of me that I didn't loathe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I promised myself I would finish something at the end of the day. I wanted to write at least one song, even just the lyrics for now. The melody could be produced later when I'm alone in my room or when I'm already back in Seoul so Jihoon could help me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Also, I wanted to have a little bit of space from Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why are you here?" I sighed. I didn't expect him to be here. He should be at his first job or whatever. Not here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He settled beside me and jokingly peeked at my notebook. I closed it before he could have any idea what I was writing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I haven't seen him in three days. I didn't wanna be awkward around him. The text messages he sent me three days ago remained unanswered. I was scared of being vulnerable. I was so scared that I wouldn't have the strength to say no to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wanted to see you." He said as he watched the ocean in front of us. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't you have work?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do but I stopped by here to take my chance. I haven't seen you in days."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu became silent after not getting any response from me but he stayed beside me, perhaps still waiting for the excuse I would give him for not showing up at work and not replying to his messages. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Truthfully, I didn't have any defense and I wasn't planning on coming up with one so I could sugarcoat my intention on distancing myself from him. It's been two months. I wanna assume it's only gonna be a few more weeks before Jeonghan would call and take me back. I didn't want to start with someone that I would just leave behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mingyu, you know I won't be staying." I finally said. I looked down on the rocky ground and hoped Mingyu was getting what I was saying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I turned my head to look at him. He's chewing his lower lip, his black hair covering his eyes. He wasn't lying when he said he was working right now because he's wearing his apron and rubber boots that he usually wore when he's delivering fresh seafood to restaurants from his father's catch for the day. He shouldn't be risking the freshness of the seafood and wasting his time to be here just to see me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do you want from me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just wanna know what's happening. Why are you suddenly avoiding me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Answer the question. I asked first."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know. I seriously don't know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wasn't surprised by his answer. It's the normal response of someone who's only been in a heterosexual relationship. What I didn't understand was the reason why he was doing this. As far as I could remember, I never tried to flirt with him. I didn't intentionally give him signals that I was interested in him. Mingyu was an attractive man, I would never deny that, but I never intended to show that I was attracted. Was it me who pulled him in?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you know what you're trying to do here?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, you're saying you like me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grunted. I was flattered and, at the same time, worried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew Mingyu wasn't sure what he's getting himself into. He didn't know what he was doing. He was just only acting on his urges. I mean, I was absolutely grateful to know that he was attracted to me because he wasn’t bad himself. But, I didn’t want him to do this without knowing the implications of his actions and how a homosexual relationship works. It’s not that I wanted a relationship with him. It’s— you already get that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In this rural town, in this country in general, being with the same sex still sucked. My relationship with Dongyoon, despite being semi-out, was still full of struggles. He was a professional basketball player. His occupation was surrounded with so much machismo and testosterone that if people would confirm that he was playing fire with a gay idol, his career would blow over. Not to mention, his dad was a traditional politician. We could be ourselves when we’re with friends or at a liberated party venue. Other than that, we still hid in a closet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Does Mingyu want that? Does he really wanna be confined whilst being with me? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I would be willing to play with him while I was here if he was informed enough, if he wasn’t a naive child who was only excited to experience a toy that’s new to him. I didn't wanna be responsible if there were any damages. I didn't want to leave another victim of a catastrophe behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is it wrong?" He asked. "I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable but I was asking myself so many times why I feel butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. It's the first time I've felt it with another guy. I swear I'm freaking out, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There's nothing wrong to have a harmless crush at someone whether they were a girl or a boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. "No."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you hate me now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head again. "I don't hate you, Mingyu."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was worried you're avoiding me because you're disgusted at me. If you're not okay with this, I will stay away from you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to. I'm not that kind of person."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If there is a person who would understand what he was going through, it's me. Mingyu was very honest. Most boys who got confused with their sexuality for the first time developed prejudice about homosexuals. They felt it was a disease. I was like that when I first felt attracted to my middle school P.E. teacher. Despite experiencing it late, Mingyu's taking this so well. I'm quite relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay." He looked at me with grateful eyes. It's so difficult to be firm when he's being adorable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go back to work. Don't spoil the fish."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t expect that after telling Mingyu that I needed space from him, he would go off dating a girl. I mean, it’s fine with me. It’s what he should be doing at his age, not pursuing a boy from the city who he wasn’t sure would be staying. And they looked good together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The girl showed up unannounced at the restaurant one evening, right before Seokmin and my shift ended. Seokmin knew her. She’s a level lower from them when they were in high school and, now, she’s studying to be a baker in the community college where Seokmin was going. Mingyu was as red as a tomato when she arrived. He didn’t know where to look or what to say. It was the girl who told us that they were going out right after Mingyu closes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you were close!” Seokmin exclaimed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We met again a few days ago and then he asked me out.” The girl, Chaeyoung, answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s cute. She had round eyes and bobbed hair that accentuated his plump cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going now?” Mingyu butted in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright. Easy, lover boy. We’ll leave now.” Seokmin patted Mingyu’s shoulder as he wiggled his brows. “Keep it safe, kids!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know Chaeyoung is Mingyu’s type.” Seokmin said out of the blue while we were walking to where our bikes were parked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t usually go for the cute ones.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is his type, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin tilted his head. “He likes either the quiet ones or the difficult ones. That asshole likes the chase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I almost tripped on my own feet. Was he just playing with me? It annoyed me that after telling me that he liked me and that he wanted to try being with me, it would be easy for him to ask another person out just because he didn’t get what he wanted. That was a dick move but Mingyu was just a boy. He had a dick to satisfy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shouldn’t be this pissed. But I was and I didn’t know where it was coming from. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was strange that the days after that encounter, Mingyu was constantly in a sour mood. He tried to downplay it by bickering with Seokmin and throwing jokes here and there but I was certain something was going on because he still wasn’t talking to me like he used to, he avoided bumping into me in the kitchen, and he still couldn’t approach me when we’re alone. Even though it’s making me feel extremely uncomfortable, I didn’t want to make the first move to confront him about it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hence, I let him believe that he would get over this soon. I was doing the right thing. If I could stop this now, the better. Mingyu could go back to being straight. He would realize later on, when he was older, that his attraction to me was just a phase.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The following week, Seokmin and I went to a birthday party. Hanging out with him all the time also meant going with him to all the parties he was invited in. I didn’t know the person. I only knew that he was one of their friends and that he was throwing a grand party at his family’s farm. Despite being a stranger, I couldn’t say no to free booze and food.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was not kidding when he said a lot of people would be attending. It was like their whole school was there. They were serving endless food and the drinks came in nonstop. People here really loved getting shitfaced with alcohol. I was introduced to Yugyeom, the celebrant, and a couple more people that I hadn’t met yet. I also saw some familiar people and greeted them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was surprised with myself too when I mingled with more people in the next hour. It was refreshing to interact with the local folks. I was in show business for only a year but I already knew how it was in the industry. Most of the time, people were fake. I didn’t get that genuine response and kind intentions like what I was getting now from the town people. They didn’t not have any agendas. I could feel the hospitality and their sincerity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was past nine in the evening when I saw him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As expected, Mingyu arrived with Chaeyoung and a couple of their friends. They were laughing as they approached Yugyeom and handed him a case full of more liquor as their present. Mingyu was smiling again and I felt relieved after days of enduring the frown that seemed to be permanent on his face. I missed seeing his toothy smiles, his high cheekbones that got more jutted whenever he laughed, his bright eyes that could light up even a lonely night. I was elated to see how happy Mingyu looked but there was a boiling ugly feeling inside me when I saw Chaeyoung slid on Mingyu’s side in the table they occupied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin and I were at the table under a tree, approximately two meters away from where Mingyu was situated near the house. I wanted to stay hidden from him so I could freely observe him and Chaeyoung from where he was without getting noticed. However, Seokmin, the rowdy person that he was, called out the attention of Mingyu and Chaeyoung. I could only palm my face in the corner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu and Chaeyoung transferred to our table. We were all cramped in there, all eight of us sharing a table only meant for six. Mingyu sat across me, the smile on his face gone once we locked gazes. He attempted to beam at me to acknowledge me but I was sure it was only for show. I felt that he was only forcing himself to interact with me because their friends were there and it would be weird if we ignored each other in front of them when they were aware that, aside from Seokmin, he was the closest person to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to push the thoughts at the back of my head to focus on the people around the table. I recognized some of the people that were already introduced to me before: Euigeon, Jihyo, Minhyung, and Mina. Euigeon and Jihyo were obviously together with the way they held hands for the whole world to see. He didn’t think twice when Jihyo asked him to remove all the cucumber in her salad and put it on his plate. On the other hand, Mina and Minhyung were evidently close friends based on how Minhyung watched over the amount of alcohol she consumed. However, their actions were guarded and too cautious. Minhyung was too careful not to touch Mina’s neck when he was trying to get her attention. Mina was too afraid to wipe the sauce on the side of Minhyung’s mouth. I was sure something was going on but they were too terrified to categorize it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, that was familiar.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Euigeon talked too much when we started drinking a little too much for our own good. I could also feel the alcohol taking effect on me. Boy, that homemade rice wine shot did it for me. I refused to accept more liquor after my third soju bomb shot and when I noticed Mingyu was not on the table anymore. Chaeyoung was already sleeping with her head down on the table while everyone was still singing and drinking. Euigeon did an impromptu rap, Minhyung was beatboxing, Seokmin, my ever-entertaining friend, danced shirtless on the tabletop, and Jihyo acted as their cheerleader. No one noticed when I exited to find Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I found him sitting on the big chunk of troll that served as a resting bench, facing the vast grape vineyard that Yugyeom’s family owned. Mingyu was staring at nowhere, looking like he was deep in his thoughts with a bottle of beer in his hand. I sat beside him unceremoniously which made him flinch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s just you.” Mingyu looked at me quickly then went back gazing at the dark horizon.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s just you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It hit differently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing alone here?” I asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu took a chug from his bottle before speaking. “Nothing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously,” I rolled my eyes, annoyed that he wouldn’t even look at me. “Why are you alone out here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if he was stressed that I was there, took two big gulps and put the bottle on the ground. I didn’t know if I wanted to just walk out because it looked like he didn’t want me to be there or just punch him right in the face for making me feel conflicted emotions for a whole damn week. I hated that although I kept conditioning myself that I wasn’t affected that he was seeing somebody else, I really was. I was bothered that he didn’t even put up a fight. Seokmin said he liked the chase but it never felt like he was chasing. The moment I said no, he was already out there looking for another game.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s me, wasn’t it? I was always the problem.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to be alone.” Mingyu answered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His date was already passed out but he was out here, seemingly not caring if she was going home with someone else or not. “Did something happen with your date with Chaeyoung?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” Mingyu shook his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed. I wanted him to tell me what’s wrong, why he was sulking. I was ready to listen to whatever that’s bugging him. No, I wasn’t admitting that I like Mingyu. I just wanted Mingyu to stop being sad because I just learned that when I saw him sad, I got sad as well. I was here thinking about bringing him in my arms purely for my own benefit, not because I wanted to feel the warmth of his body against mine. No, not at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I let the silence take over between us. I could only hear the distant cheering from the party, the sound of cicadas berating us, Mingyu’s breathing and squeezing sound his mouth made when he sucked the mouth of his bottle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It pained me that after we created a comfortable atmosphere around each other, after those shared lunches, and bright smiles, Mingyu was suddenly being aloof towards me just because I said no to going out with him. I guess what drove me crazy was the fact that Mingyu was not talking to me. Mingyu was a chatter and I proved it with all of the text messages we exchanged, the breaks we spent talking over anything that he could think of, his little comments about whatever TV show was on during our shift. Our patrons loved him because of his witty remarks. But now, he lost all words. He couldn’t even say hi to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wanted the old Mingyu back. I wanted Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, I was jealous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, I didn’t like the thought of him dating other people. I only wanted him to look at me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes, I wanted to know how warm he was against my body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yes to all of the things I denied in the beginning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I braced myself. I think it was the point of no return.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I did not know what happened in your date with Chaeyoung but you became like this after that.” I stated my observations. I didn’t care if I was giving away that I was paying more attention to him the past week. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Became what?” Mingyu was taken aback with my accusing tone. He sounded surprised. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like this.” I threw my arms in the air. I was getting frustrated with his continuous question answers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So....?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hate it. I hate it, okay?” I could not stop myself from speaking out what I felt. My mouth was too fast for my brain to filter every word that I say.  “I hate it when you don’t talk to me. I hate it when you ignore me when I am always right in your face all the fucking time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu only stared at me with his tipsy eyes. He was slightly drunk but still sober to see that I was pouring my heart out. All the while, he thought he was the only one who felt troubled about his unrequited feelings. He didn’t know that the way he dealt with it also affected me, thus triggering something in me that resulted in this monologue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you think I wasn’t freaking out about this, you’re wrong. I don’t know what to do with my feelings for you, too. You mess with my fucking head.” I feel warm all over. If only I could see myself, I was sure my face was red with anger, or maybe hate, I don’t even know anymore. I cursed so much tonight, goddamn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu was still staring, eyes blinking and mouth hanging open. He clearly heard what I said and I was fine even if I looked like an angry girlfriend. It was fine that I looked like I was scared of losing him, that I was jealous. Whatever his interpretation was, it was fine with me. I was more relieved that I had finally let it all out and that I finally found what I really felt about him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then I said something to confirm what I truly feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I hate you because you went on a date.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was all that Mingyu needed to hear to accept, that yes, I was raging like that because I was jealous.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Mingyu put down his bottle, scooting closer to the still flaming red me. He extended his hand to take mine. My hand was cold against Mingyu’s warm palms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What for?” I let Mingyu hold me. I liked how Mingyu’s hand hovered above mine, his thumb rubbing on my skin gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For dating Chaeyoung.” Mingyu looked straight in my eyes. He still looked tipsy but I could see the sadness disappear. He lifted his other hand to stroke my cheek. I leaned into his touch and suddenly all my regrets vanished.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again.” I whispered, my eyes never leaving Mingyu’s. It was weird that my stomach was not doing any funny things. Most of the time, it somersaulted whenever Mingyu was in close distance. That moment, it was my heart that was doing funny things. I could not figure out if it was skipping a beat or beating way too fast. All I was aware of was Mingyu’s hand and eyes on me. It was the kind of feeling I had not, strangely, felt for anyone before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu nodded and, for the first time in a week, he smiled that bright wide smile. It was not forced anymore. It was a type of smile that I was waiting and craving for, the type that I found later on that only reserved for me. It was warm, resembling the sun.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was swift and no one could remember how it happened, what kind of invisible force pulled us closer and allowed our lips to meet. All of a sudden, I felt our lips brushing tenderly against each other, then Mingyu cupped my cheek to deepen the kiss. I slanted my head slightly to the right to accommodate more of him and to explore further into his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>My cravings were growing wild as I grabbed Mingyu’s nape to pull him even closer if that was even possible. It was like there was a hidden switch in my body that Mingyu turned on. I was asking for more, wanting more from Mingyu. I sucked Mingyu’s lower lip while my free hand went to squeeze his arms. Mingyu gasped at that and that was when I took the opportunity to insert my tongue inside his mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu tasted like beer and a blooming romance (I know it doesn’t make sense but it was the first thing my brain came up. Let me live). Our tongue got tangled in the kiss. Mingyu liked being dominant and so was I. I did not like losing but being beaten in that tongue battle against Mingyu was the sweetest defeat I had ever experienced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu dictated the tempo of the kiss. Although the way he kissed was rough and controlling, his lips were soft and I was more than willing to be lead on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I almost blacked out when Mingyu left my lips to suck on my jaw, going down to my neck. I didn’t know Mingyu was capable of giving searing kisses like this because I was half hard now. Mingyu went back to kissing my face, this time more messily and with more teeth. We only stopped to breathe and when we both realized we were still in the party. It would be really embarrassing if someone caught us making out in the middle of a dark vineyard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just for the record and because I already humiliated myself enough tonight, I assume saying this would not humiliate me further, I think I like you Mingyu. I think.” I put an emphasis on the last sentence. I was assessing his reaction. I couldn’t believe it was me who really said this. I couldn’t believe it was me who actually confessed first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I finally admitted what I was formerly denying. If admitting would get me kisses like this and more, I would be willing to admit over and over again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu only chuckled, hiding his face in my neck. He’s bigger and heavier but I liked it when he acted small like this. “Well, you already know how I feel about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" Mingyu greeted as soon as he entered the locker room. I was getting ready for our shift, tying my apron around my waist, when he hugged me from behind and kissed me on the cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We asked Mr. Lee if we could have the same shift from now on so I could do music in the morning and then we could leave together and go out after work. Of course, we didn't tell him those reasons but he agreed right away since he could never say no to his favorite employee.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tilted my head to give him a proper kiss on his lips. He smelled minty. He took a shower before coming here. He didn't usually do that before so it made me feel a bit special.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You smell nice." I told him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You like it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I kissed him on his lips again. He tasted nice too. "Very."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I freed myself from his arms so he could proceed to change for work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you have any plans tonight?" He asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do we?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu smiled so wide like his face would tear in half. "Do you wanna eat dinner with me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure." I said. "I'll tell Seokmin I will be late."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without hesitation, I told Seokmin about seeing Mingyu. I didn't want to hide from him and I respected him as Mingyu's friend and as the person who's responsible for taking care of me while I was here on the island. I wanted to get his approval. I told Mingyu that if Seokmin was against it, I couldn’t go out with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Initially, he was quite shocked when I broke it to him. He couldn't believe that Mingyu was playing for our team because they grew up talking about the girls they like at school. But Seokmin was understanding. He never judged. He never reminded me about my situation. He said he was happy if we were happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although being new to all of this, dating Mingyu was easy. I told him that it was the same as when he had a girlfriend. We could also go to movies, eat dinner, and make-out if he wanted to. He was never nervous about touching me or showing affection. It's almost always him who initiated the kisses or held my hand under the table whenever we're eating together. He's not scared about getting caught or people getting disgusted at us. It was me who was letting go whenever I felt someone was looking at us.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One smile showing his cute canines and I would be on my knees. I wouldn't have the power to say no if he asked me to go to his favorite arcade and spend a few coins playing. I would automatically say yes to him taking me to an ice cream parlor to get his favorite mint chocolate ice cream that I hated but still ate because it made him happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time, I felt how it was to be liked out in the open. Hiding was never an option for Mingyu. He never made me feel like I was a secret. He was never afraid of what people might think, his friends might think, his parents might think, the Lees might think. He told me that it was him who wanted us to be together so he would be a man and stand up for us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And I felt that every single day that I spent with him. We haven't told Mr. and Mrs. Lee about us but he wouldn't be afraid to tell them the truth if they asked. Same with his parents. Sometimes he made me worry. He's risking his reputation for something temporary. I would eventually leave and he would be the one to deal with possible discrimination when these are all over. I felt guilty for putting him in this situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At night, ever since Mingyu and I started spending quite a lot of time together, I wonder if I was creating another mistake. I would lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. I would think about Mingyu and how happy he made me feel. And then, my members would appear together with Jeonghan. It's the same scene in our apartment living room the night I was caught, the last night I saw all of them. A tear would fall from my eyes and I would feel bad for enjoying myself and discovering something special with another person when I should be repenting all the sins I committed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, every worry, guilt, and worry dissipated whenever Mingyu kissed me and assured me that everything's gonna be okay.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I’ve convinced Mingyu to stay the night after we watched a movie. It was easy for his parents to allow him to sleep over as he usually did this with Seokmin. As for the Lee family, they didn’t mind as long as he shared the room with Seokmin. But Seokmin didn’t care less if Mingyu sneaked into mine as he was sure he would do it. Not even his parents could stop his best friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While waiting for sleep to take us, I shared my music with him. I let him hear some of the tracks I composed while I was here and some of the old ones that we hadn’t released yet. He was astonished that I had this talent and kept telling me I should submit my works to music companies.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wanted to laugh but I kept it all in and enjoyed how naïve he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We slept at around eleven. Since Mingyu needed to wake up early tomorrow to work, he had to get all the sleep he could. He’s working hard every single day. He could only relax when we were going out. As much as I wanted to be with him and do things with him, I also wanted him to get some rest during his free time so sleeping together like this was a nice alternative to going out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The loud thunder woke me up. I was really shy about this but I was really terrified of thunder. I thought it was because I had a bad experience when I was a kid. I couldn’t remember anymore. They made my room in the dorm as soundproof as possible because I couldn’t sleep during thunderstorm season.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mingyu.” I called him. I was holding on to him tight, my body shuddering.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu calmed me down, rubbing my back and telling me that I shouldn’t worry because he was there. I was clutching on his shirt so firmly. I admitted my fears to him which made him laugh but he still held me to stop me from shaking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It got better when it started to drizzle hard. The sound of rain soothed me a bit. I flinched whenever lightning would strike as I knew a deafening thunder would immediately follow. I scooted closer to Mingyu as another set came. He pulled me closer to him, burying my face in his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry. I am just really scared.” I apologized, voice muffled by Mingyu’s skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I wrapped my arms around Mingyu’s waist to get comfortable. We got cozy and I liked how I was breathing on his neck, how my lips were brushing on his skin, how we were practically tangled up with each other. It was so nice to feel this way again. I was getting warm all over in an inappropriate way. I was scared that Mingyu would notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled away a little bit to look up at Mingyu. The light from the bedside lamp made his eyes twinkle. He looked wonderful and solemn. I was suddenly inching closer to him. Slowly, my face was coming to him. My lips parted and Mingyu’s instincts told him to open his mouth as well and waited for our lips to meet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The kiss happened. Mingyu was not prepared for it. He was not anticipating anything like that to happen when decided to spend the night. He only came to literally sleep with me. Nothing else. Our lips were not moving at first, just pressed against each other, inhaling each other’s breaths until I reached up to cup Mingyu’s cheeks and opened his mouth more using my thumb to suck on his lower lip. Mingyu was heating up. I continued to suck on his lips, tongue swiping the side of his mouth to get access to his tongue.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu started to move at this point. He shifted so that I would be trapped underneath him. He pulled away for a moment to look at me. His lips were glistening with saliva and eyes reflecting with want. Was he waiting for this, too? Had he imagined us being this intimate when he’s alone?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pulling him down by the collar of his shirt, Mingyu lowered his head to kiss me again. He did not hold back anymore. He kissed me passionately and a little coarsely. He entered my mouth to taste every corner of it. I was responding positively through humming on his mouth and tugging his hair to let him know he’s doing the right stuff.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu advanced on the expanse of my neck, licking and biting softly on my skin. I was moaning now, lifting my hips up to meet Mingyu’s. It pushed Mingyu to the edge. The sensation of my half-hard manhood grinding on him gave him a go signal to do more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon, Mingyu found himself situated in between my legs, our shirts were off, and Mingyu was bruising the skin on my chest by biting and lapping on it. I was panting, eyes closed as Mingyu continued rubbing the tent on my pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Touch me, Mingyu. Please.” I pleaded. I sat up and grabbed Mingyu’s face to kiss him. I was incredibly hard in my sweatpants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu tugged down my pants together with my undergarment, just low enough so that my cock was splaying out. Mingyu enveloped his fingers around the shaft before he stroked it up and down lazily. I let out a wanton moan, wanting Mingyu to go faster and give me my release. Mingyu granted my plea by going a bit faster. He watched as I writhed beneath him, mouth agape, and moaning his name when I reached my orgasm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was gasping, still high from my release. My eyes were closed and my chest was bouncing up and down. Mingyu kissed me on my forehead before he rested back down on his side. He needed release too but he did not have the guts to ask me to help him with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Mingyu’s shock, I hovered on top of him to claim his lips once again. I was breathing unevenly on the kiss but still providing enough pressure on Mingyu’s lips. Mingyu kissed back eagerly, craving more of my lips and tongue on his body. His body was firing up with desire. I have felt his pent-up needs, so I reached down inside his pants to stroke his length. Mingyu rolled his eyes when he felt me tugging on him hard whilst abusing his neck with my teeth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shortly, I was going down on him, trailing wet kisses from his collarbones down to his hips. Mingyu was anticipating it, waiting for my mouth to reach his cock. He was getting impatient as I lingered on licking the bone on his hips. I looked up at him straight in his eyes in a teasing manner, tongue lapping on his skin, asking him what he wanted me to do. Would he allow me to go on or would he stop me?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu was not always good with words especially when it came to asking me to do something for him so he just bucked his hips, hoping I would get what he wanted to articulate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started working on his tip as I sucked it, covering it with his spit and stimulating its protruding veins. Mingyu was unbelievably hard. He could not help himself from fucking my mouth and I let him, humming when he went a little deeper in my throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonwoo..” Mingyu moaned, fisting the sheets above his head. He must be close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I used my hand to finish Mingyu off, not losing eye contact with him. I was smiling at him as he released on my hand. While getting down from his high, Mingyu grabbed me back to his arms and kissed me. I did not care if we were both gross and sticky. I wanted to be in his arms, inhale him, breathe him, share with him the intoxicating feeling I was experiencing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I snuggled close beside him. It was difficult for me to breathe normally again but I liked how air was escaping my lungs, like I was chasing it. It was a good feeling because I was with him like that.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>One of the hardest things about dating such a beautiful man was keeping my hands to myself. I kid you not and pun intended, it's really hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu liked kissing and being all over each other in general. It's always a feat to make him stop and after that rainy night, he was consistently attempting to be in my pants every chance he got. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had to stop him every time because it's his first time being with a guy.  I didn't want him to do things that he didn't want to do or didn't know how to do. I wanted him to be sure and to fully trust me before we could take our physical activities to the next level.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blow jobs and hand jobs were fine because he's getting better at it. He liked receiving it and if it's turn to give, he delivered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the idea of finally going all the way was presented to us, I had to sit him down and explain to him a few things. I was thankful he had at least an idea of how it went for guys, what to prepare, and how to prepare. I was sensing he did his own research. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ready?" I asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We were already naked, lube and condoms ready. I let him watch a few videos before we began. I was a bit nervous too because I didn't know how Mingyu's body would react. I was scared that if I didn't make him feel good, he would change his mind about being with a guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I kissed him first. He's already hard. We both were. I let Mingyu lie on his back while I worked my way down to his neck and chest, stopping at his nipple to play with it using my tongue. I heard him release a soft moan as he bucked his hips to meet mine. I could tell he’s getting impatient with the way he kept pushing me down to where he wanted me to be - on his dick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I swallowed Mingyu slowly. He was unbelievably hard and swollen. Holding eye contact, I coated his cock with the mixture of my own saliva and his own pre-come using my tongue. I then pressed my tongue flat along the underside of his shaft and wrapped my lips around it. I looked up at Mingyu and I could see him writhing, both of his hands found salvation on the wooden headboard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu’s hips started to move, penetrating my mouth unconsciously. I let him have his way. Holding on to his waist, I swallowed what I could take as Mingyu slowly fucked into mouth. My lips were red and wet with my spit. Mingyu stared down at me and I let him watch how his cock appeared and disappeared from my mouth. He got so hot and aroused that he couldn’t stop himself from going faster. I tried to relax my throat, trying my best not to pass out from choking. I grabbed Mingyu’s thigh and prayed I was doing a good job in accommodating him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu breathed heavily when I retracted his cock from my mouth. I told him this was it. I was gonna do the thing now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I asked him to go on all fours, his ass up on the air. I told him what to expect and that he should relax. Mingyu nodded, closed his eyes, and waited for my next move. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to be as gentle as possible. I wanted Mingyu to feel pleasure rather than pain on his first time. Thus, I started slowly. I put a generous amount of lube on my finger and began pushing in. It was so fucking tight. Mingyu was resisting the intrusion. It’s normal and I needed to be extra careful not to hurt him. I had to encourage him so he could allow me in. I was getting a bit tired but I had to prepare him better for something </span>
  <em>
    <span>grander</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he would have to take later. After a few thrusts, when he got used to the sensation, he started to let up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The whole ordeal was making me harder than I already was. He was moaning under me and telling me to add more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>God, I was losing my mind for this man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I moved faster, stretching him more. I couldn’t wait for him to take me. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I applied a hefty amount of lube on my cock and Mingyu’s hole. I told him that he would feel like he was tearing apart, that it was uncomfortable but a good uncomfortable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” Mingyu said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pushed in him slowly until my whole length was inside Mingyu. He grabbed a fistful of their sheets as I started moving. The feeling of being full must be overwhelming for Mingyu. I kissed his nape to make it better for him. I stayed there until his breathing evened out. I didn’t want to move if he was in pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I lie down?” He asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu laid on his back after I pulled out. I put two pillows under his waist to elevate his hips and to make it easier to thrust in him. He was more relaxed when I pushed in again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded, biting his lower lips. I kissed him as I went deeper but still slower. I kept that pace for a while until Mingyu got the hang of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you feel?” I asked him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” He answered. “Keep going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I started to move a little bit faster this time. I put my hands on his waist as I pounded in him. Nothing was hotter than seeing Mingyu in such a mess when I hit his spot. I knew he was so close. I was sure he would not last long especially when I began stroking his neglected cock, his hands finding purchase on anything he could hold on to. After a few more thrusts and strokes, Mingyu spilled on his stomach as he said my name like a prayer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will keep going.” I informed him, kissing his neck. I hadn’t come yet. “Can I do that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite Mingyu’s lifeless state, I continued thrusting in him. I let my carnal desires take over me and penetrated him greedily. I was moving too fast and hard, chasing my own orgasm. Mingyu was moaning, holding me tight. He was already too exhausted, not caring anymore what I do to him. Almost immediately, I spilled in the condom as I groaned loudly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And after that night, we couldn’t stop doing it.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was only a matter of time before I got introduced to Mingyu's family. It was his siblings that I had the chance to meet first. He had a younger brother and a younger sister. Mingyu took them to the restaurant one night because their parents were out-of-town and there was no food at home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two kids were nice. I assumed that Mingyu already told them about me. Juyeon was cool with it. Yujin didn’t say anything but she wasn’t showing any signs that she didn’t like his brother dating another boy. I was more at ease with Juyeon because he talked more and he was never shy to ask me questions. I thought maybe Yujin was still gauging how to treat me so she was more kinda aloof.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon, the second-born, was a senior in high school. He was also helping his father in fishing every morning and was the one who goes with his mother every day in the market to sell their catch. Mingyu had mentioned that he would like to send Juyeon to college because the kid was showing interest in working in broadcasting. True enough, when I saw him, he had the looks (just like his brother) and the personality to be on TV. Perhaps it was the reason why it was him who was assisting their mother in selling because he could charm market-goers into buying from them. He and Mingyu were similar when it came to persuading people. It must be in their genes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unlike his older brothers, Yujin was a quiet one. She’s currently in her first year in high school. She was also the one who got a heart disease that they closely monitor. Mingyu said that out of the three of them, Yujin was the most gifted one when it came to arts. She was always winning first place in school art competitions and had submitted one work that got exhibited in the local art gallery for a month. Mingyu was aware that she’s into fashion design in spite of always saying she would like to study business in college because she could get a more realistic career after she graduated rather than pursuing her passion in art.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t want our situation to hinder her from pursuing what she really wants.” Mingyu said as he walked me home one night. We were having conversations about Juyeon scoring quite good in his CSAT. He was happy that his brother was very eager to go to Seoul to study. The discussion led to Mingyu asking Yujin about her college plans.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them were close. I guess I could say that Juyeon and Mingyu were more like friends than brothers. If Mingyu had a best friend, it would be his younger brother. Naturally, the two boys were protective over Yujin. It’s actually Juyeon who was stricter than Mingyu. Since they were going to the same school, he would drive boys that showed interest in his sister away. No one dared to bully her or make a move on her. Mingyu was the cool brother type that sometimes acted like their father. He already took the responsibility upon himself to take care of his siblings and raise them until they finish from college.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I admire him for dedicating his life to his family but sometimes I wanted him to pursue his own dreams, too. He told me about making a boat for his father and to permanently buy his mother her own shop. He wanted to be a mechanical engineer so he could make stuff from scratch. He wanted to be able to know how to fix cars and anything motor-powered. He wanted to experience going to college too, attend classes, study for the exams, earn a diploma.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you apply? It’s not yet too late.” I told him another time, brushing his damp hair away from his face. We both just showered, ready to go to bed. He spends the night every Saturday. The Lees didn’t mind since he regularly slept over whenever he wanted to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I have to work. Juyeon is going to college soon.” Mingyu laid in my bed and pulled me down with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation always ended like that whenever we talked about that topic. I didn’t want to push him. I wasn’t his mom to nag him about his decisions in life. Although, I would be happy to see him achieve his dreams.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time I met Mingyu’s parents was at Yujin’s birthday dinner. Mingyu had invited me, saying they were having a small celebration. I was hesitating on coming because I didn’t think I was ready to meet his parents yet. I never met the parents of the people I’ve dated. I haven’t even reached the point in dating where I would be comfortable in holding someone’s hand in public.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay. My parents won’t mind.” Mingyu had assured me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeting Juyeon and Yujin was different from meeting his mother and father. They could be nice but some elders could be very traditional. Mingyu was their firstborn. Certainly, they had expectations from him. They would want a grandchild from him, a wife that he would take home to them. Bringing home a guy in their house and introducing him as his lover might be their worst nightmare.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s gonna be alright.” Mingyu wrapped his arms around me as he kissed the top of my head. “I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was all it took for me to be brave enough. I said yes. To hell with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was supposed to come with us because he was Yujin’s favorite friend of Mingyu and they were pretty close since she was younger. But Seokmin had better things to do like go to the movies with his crush so he just gave me his gift to pass to the celebrant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious on our way to their house. Mingyu had picked me up and told Mr. Lee that he would also drive me back later. He must have sensed my nerves so he kept on flattering me. He told me that it was a nice idea that I tied my hair back and just let some strands fall on my face, that my plain white shirt looked good with my jeans, that the cologne I used smelled especially fresh and kind of sexy. He took my hand before we alighted the truck and kissed my knuckles twice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna be fine. They’ll like you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Apparently, his parents had a briefing about me because the moment I stepped into the house, they were already calling my name, that they already knew that I was from the city, and that I was living with the Lee family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dinner went well. Remarkably, it wasn't awkward like I expected. They didn't ask too many questions about my life in Seoul or what kind of studies I was taking up in the university. I had assumed Mingyu had told them about it beforehand. The only thing they were curious about was how I was coping up in the island life here in Heuksan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a splendid meal (with lots of seafood. The family was nice enough to include some meat dishes that I could eat), Mr. Kim had opened a few bottles of soju for us to share. The night went on without them mentioning even once about my relationship with their son. Mingyu didn't want to hide from them and maybe they had discussed it. Maybe they were fine with all of this but it didn't make me stop from overthinking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps because it was too good to be true. It was hard for me to grasp the idea that parents could easily accept this kind of relationship as mine hadn't even fully accepted who I truly am. Mingyu was really blessed for having such open-minded parents. I was really fortunate that I was welcomed in their family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How was it?" Mingyu asked as he pulled over in front of the Lee residence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How was what?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My parents?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They're really nice. Especially your dad. I still can't get over the fact that they are okay with us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I told you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shifted so I was facing right at Mingyu. "Please be honest with me. What's their actual reaction when you told them you're dating a guy?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. "I'm not gonna lie. My mom was furious when I told them I was dating you. Dad was more understanding because I have an aunt, his sister, who's living with another woman. They migrated to Australia years ago. But after I explained to mom that I really like you and it was me who wanted to be with you, she backed down. I know there's still a part of her that still can't accept us but I'm happy she treated you well."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm thankful too." I smiled at our joined hands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu patted my head affectionately. "Thank you for tonight."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you for always being nice to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because I like you so much." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I leaned in to give him a quick peck on his lips. "I like you, too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lot. Maybe a little bit too much, bordering to somewhere I didn’t expect I would be when I first met him. But I didn't tell him that.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was a good day to spend on the beach. We didn’t plan on going but since Mr. Lee allowed all of us to have a day off because it’s Seungkwan’s last day on the island, we decided to go to the northern part of Heuksan where we could enjoy clearer waters and fine white sand. We also rented a villa on the beachfront so we didn’t have to drive back anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You want to snorkel?” Mingyu asked while I was preparing the drinks and some snacks that we brought. Seungkwan and Seokmin were already swimming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu came up to me wearing nothing but his green floral board shorts, flaunting his perfectly chiseled abdomen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was only wearing a white singlet paired with a black beach shorts, a snapback on top of my head, and Rayban glasses to protect my eyes from the sun. Nothing too fancy, unlike Mingyu who was shining and making my eyes swell with his gorgeousness. “No one’s gonna look after our things.” I declined.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seokmin promised he will take care of it. You don’t have to worry. I can’t just let you sit here and not enjoy this trip.” He said. Mingyu called over Seokmin and told him about his plans. Seokmin didn’t want to be left with Seungkwan but Mingyu reminded him of something that he owed him from when they were still kids so he had no choice but to say yes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu arranged a boat that would take us to the coral-y part of the sea. We started at a shallow area where there was a vast reef underneath. According to him, it was a few kilometers of underwater utopia that we could enjoy for a couple of hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sight beneath was breathtaking, various species of fishes and colorful corals dancing to the soft waves. Although I wasn’t really comfortable swimming with underwater beings or diving, I couldn’t deny the beauty the ocean held.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter?” Mingyu asked when he noticed that I was just floating on the water while he swam around like a real diver.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.” I lied. I was terrified when a school of fish came and circled around me. I could feel them on my legs and arms and I was starting to panic inside. Good thing I was wearing a life vest that was saving me from sinking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu tsked then swam to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like the sea but I’m not a fan of swimming with sea creatures. They freak me out.” I confessed. I knew it was embarrassing and I knew it was something Mingyu would tease me for so I just waited until he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>True enough, he laughed. I pouted at him, my goggles still on my forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I’m afraid of geckos!” I shouted at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re different from ‘sea creatures’,” Mingyu said, air quoting me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re all slimy!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay. Alright. Let’s go back now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On our way back, while sitting beside each other and feeling the sea breeze hitting our faces, Mingyu took my hand and smiled like he was thanking me for coming with him and experiencing his world despite the obvious fact that I was uncomfortable with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought that was the moment I realized I could do whatever as long as he’s with me, as long as it would make him happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I thought that was the moment I realized I was in love with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe I lost 30,000 won to Seungkwan.” Mingyu complained while he washed his face in the bathroom, door open so that I could hear him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But at least we got the biggest room.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s still 30,000 won!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You gambled and you lost. Get over it.” I answered as I found a good program on the flat-screen TV in front of the bed. I was already clean and changed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu came into the room wearing only his boxers. He pushed me to the center of the bed to hover over me. “Guess I have you all by myself tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought you’re sulking over your money?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thinking about it, I’m still the winner.” He looked me up and down in a lewd manner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I could feel Mingyu’s body firing up with want, his skin hot against mine.  We’ve been all over each other ever since we found out what our body wanted. The physical aspect of our relationship was thriving for the past few days. We touched and kissed every chance we got. Sometimes, much more. Even so, it’s still not enough. We still couldn’t get enough of each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu kissed me with full of fervor, like it was the first time he had kissed me. I could still taste the tequila we had earlier on Mingyu’s mouth. It’s predominantly bitter but that didn’t stop me from wanting more, from pushing my tongue further into him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After we discarded all our clothing, we let our urges control our bodies. Mingyu took his time savoring every part of me. He began on my neck, biting and licking on the sensitive skin. I whimpered when he sucked hard on its column. I was sure it would leave a bruise. It felt so good to be marked like that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu went to lap on my hardened nipples. “Mingyu.” I moaned when he started traveling down my abdomen, my eyes shutting to intensify the building sensation. I was anticipating what was to come and I couldn’t wait anymore. Mingyu licked my inner thighs, teasing and being so fucking slow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sighed as Mingyu finally swallowed me, feeling the warmth of his mouth enveloping my cock. Mingyu’s every movement was precise, his tongue flat and rubbing on every nerve of my length. He sucked the head while his hand stroked the part that couldn’t fit in his mouth. I grabbed his hair to keep him in place while I thrust into his mouth. It was too much to bear and I knew I would come if Mingyu wouldn’t stop so I pulled out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I dragged Mingyu back up to kiss him. I could taste myself in his mouth which was kinda hot. Wasting no time, I turned him over so he was now lying down on the bed. I wasted no time and proceeded to stroke Mingyu’s length.  It was incredibly stiff, a tiny droplet of pre-come leaking from the tip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hummed as I took him in my mouth. I swallowed until the tip hit the back of my throat.  I was kneeling on the bed, head in between Mingyu’s thighs. I went quicker upon hearing his moans, fondling his balls in the process. I allowed Mingyu to fuck into my mouth, holding my head in place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu instructed me to present for him after he pulled out and I willingly obliged. I buried my face into the pillow when Mingyu separated my cheeks to reveal my entrance. Mingyu’s tongue followed. Chills ran down my spine as Mingyu continued to go further into me.  I couldn’t help but scream into the pillow, loving how the soft muscle intruded my body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu paused for me to relax and get loose. I was impressed how he was acting like an expert at this now. Weeks ago, he was just a timid virgin who couldn’t take a finger up his ass.  I told him it’s enough and could do more already. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment he was done glazing his cock with enough amount of lube, he fucked without mercy.  I nearly cried because of his power, bruising my waist with his vice-like grip.  I collapsed on the bed but it didn’t stop Mingyu’s merciless thrusts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu pulled out only to flip me on my back and then entered me again.  He kissed me in a messy manner as his hips maintained slamming onto me. I felt I was going to explode soon. I was screaming as he went even harder until I came without even being touched. I was breathing heavily, eyes closed and mouth agape. I thought it was over but then I remembered Mingyu hadn’t come yet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It only went more brutal from there. Mingyu was aiming for release now.  He lifted my thighs up to spread me more. With the way Mingyu was going, I was sure it would be difficult for me to walk tomorrow and I would absolutely be going to be sore. My worries were replaced with pleasure when Mingyu started groaning my name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He repeatedly called for me before he filled me with his warm seeds. He collapsed on top of me, breathless and drenched with sweat. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the side of his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I watched Mingyu move to his side to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?” Mingyu uttered all of a sudden. I was convinced he was already sound asleep a few minutes ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you staring at me?” Mingyu pouted even though his eyes were still closed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I just shook my head, too wary to admit that I was overwhelmed with what I feel about him. The hazy light above us made his features glow even in the dark. The sight took my breath away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Let’s sleep.” Mingyu said with finality, scooping me into his arms.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> There’s no doubt. I was really in love with him.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu hasn’t contacted me for two days. I was trying to call him but all my calls only went through his voicemail. I asked Seokmin if anything happened but all he said was that there was an emergency at home so he couldn’t come to work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I knew something was up and that they were keeping something from me. I couldn't just sit down and wait for Mingyu's call. Therefore, that afternoon, I went to Juyeon's school to see if I could find him and ask about what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hyung." Juyeon was surprised to see me waiting for him outside his school. He looked tired. The dark circles around his eyes told me he hadn't had proper sleep in days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon revealed that Yujin collapsed at school two days ago. They took her to the hospital but since the facility in the island wasn't equipped enough, they had to take her to the mainland for proper treatment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's her heart again." I could tell Juyeon was stressed with what happened."Mingyu-hyung was taking care of her. Mom and Dad have to continue working and I have to go to school."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why didn't he tell me? I was calling him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He doesn't want you to worry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To ease my mind, I went with Juyeon to the hospital the following day to check on Mingyu and to see how Yujin was doing. Mingyu didn’t expect me to be there but he lit up when he saw me. He looked worse than Juyeon. He kept on telling me that he was okay but I could see that he was not. Aside from not sleeping, he wasn’t eating properly too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have no appetite.” He admitted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We went to the nearest restaurant from the hospital to make him eat a whole meal. He couldn’t refuse because I told him that I would shove the food down his throat if he wouldn't eat all the dishes I ordered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t wanna make you worry.” He said, just like what Juyeon told me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I still got worried, anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctors said Yujin needed surgery as soon as possible. I wasn’t digesting all the scientific terms Mingyu was using to explain the situation. All my brain could decipher was that they were delaying it since Yujin was younger because they had no money to pay for it that’s why they just relied on herbal medicine to not worsen her situation but the thing with her heart, I think there was a hole or something like that, finally caught up and now their only option was to open her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The problem was, even if it’s been years, Mingyu’s family still couldn’t afford the surgery. The combined income of his and his parents were still not enough. Twenty million won was a big amount of money plus Yujin still had to take maintenance medicine after that which would also cost a fortune. Right now, their only option was to sell his dad’s boat and a loan from the bank using their house title as collateral.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know where to get money.” Mingyu said. The hospital bill was piling up. He could borrow money from Seokmin’s parents and work his ass off for a year or so to pay them back but the money they needed for the surgery was what’s keeping him awake at night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To be honest, I didn’t have twenty million won. I wish I had so I could give it to him and end his misery. At the very least, I only had five million in my bank account. However, I knew I could earn that twenty million easily if I could keep writing songs and work hard as a member of IGNITE. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will help.” I told him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu panicked. “You don’t have to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘I want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pay me back later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I called Jeonghan as soon as I got back to Heuksan. He was surprised to get a call from me after six months as we promised that we would only contact each other when there’s news about me coming back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You need what?” He exclaimed when I told him I needed twenty million won as soon as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Twenty million won. I need it tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeon Wonwoo, are you crazy? What kind of shit are you into again? I threw you there so you could repent but you really have the talent in attracting trouble.” He’s exasperated. He should be. I would be too if I were him. “Where the fuck is Seokmin? Let me talk to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leave Seokmin out of this.” I convinced him. “And I didn’t do anything. I just wanna help a friend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I had no choice but to tell him about Mingyu and the situation his whole family was in. I promised him I would do anything he wanted until I could pay the money back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s urgent. Please.” I begged. I’ve never begged Jeonghan before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s silent for a while before he released a deep sigh. “I will send the money tomorrow but you have to come back immediately once it’s done.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"Let's take a fifteen-minute break." Jihoon told me, finally allowing me to step out of the studio after staying there for almost eighteen hours. I wasn't complaining. I knew it was a crucial time as we had a deadline to beat. Recording was set tomorrow (or later. I lose the sense of time whenever I was in Jihoon's hole) but we still had some adjustments to make.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The song wasn't for us. It's for a popular female solo singer who also happened to be a good friend of ours. She had asked us to make a song for her upcoming album and we agreed without thinking twice. Moonbyul was family.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I only realized it was already four in the morning when I went out to buy a drink at the nearby convenience store. I took a bottle of sparkling water for me and a can of Jihoon's favorite soda. After paying, I sat at one of the steel tables outside to check my phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Soonyoung:</b>
  <span> Mom is asking when are you coming over to visit? Clearly, she misses her favorite IGNITE member 🙄🙄</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was very flattered that Mrs. Kwon was fond of me. She was treating me like her own son, all of us actually, but she never failed to text me once a week to remind me about my vitamins and to come with Soonyoung if ever he decided to visit.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Chan:</b>
  <span> Hyung, what do you think about this design?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Together with the message, Chan attached a photo of a new shirt he found on the internet. Lately, he's been online shopping and we're getting quite concerned about it. Every day there's a package at our door that’s always his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I replied that he didn't need another shirt because he just bought one the other day. </span>
</p><p>
  <b>Seungcheol:</b>
  <span> What time are you guys coming home?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was sent three hours ago. I was sure Seungcheol had sent the same message to Jihoon so I would let him deal with our leader.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Jeonghan: </b>
  <span>Reminder that you have a solo photoshoot tomorrow. Get some sleep after recording.</span>
</p><p>
  <b>Jeonghan:</b>
  <span> Also, money successfully deposited.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pocketed my phone after reading Jeonghan's last message and made my way back to the studio.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This had been our life since we finally made it big two years ago. When I got back from Heuksan, they scheduled a comeback right away and I was sent to work on our album. It was just another mini with songs that described the feeling of being nobody. It’s all angst and whatnot. The public wasn’t really into another dark-themed song but we could say that we gained a few fans because Seungcheol had been working out while I was away. The photo of his abs in one of our music show performances went viral and somehow it was the beginning of our visibility online.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Our break came a few months later when we released our first full-length album. The company wanted me and Jihoon to be in charge of it. We were supervised by senior producers who helped us in our previous albums but it was the two of us who composed all of the songs. Also, the other members helped in writing the lyrics in some of the tracks. The title song was a massive hit. We didn’t know what happened. Just a week after the release, we woke up to the news that our song was on top of all the streaming sites and the music video was getting a lot of views. We started winning in music shows, getting calls from brands to endorse them, selling out shows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, it still felt so surreal. Three years ago we were nothing. No one knew who we were. Now, our phones wouldn’t stop ringing. We couldn’t eat in restaurants in peace. Jisoo couldn’t ride his bike in the park anymore because he would be mobbed. There were always people in front of our apartment waiting for us. We weren’t prepared for this life but this was the price we were paying because we wanted fame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t have solo activities unlike the others. Jisoo was hosting now, Seungcheol was a regular in magazines, you could always see Soonyoung in variety shows whenever we didn’t have promotions,  Chan just started hosting a radio show, and Jihoon had released a solo mini-album a few months back which I helped produce. Management had proposed that I should start acting. They were getting a few offers and if I wanted, they could get me a good role even if not a lead one. I wasn’t ready for that yet. I was fine with just being an idol, having photoshoots here and there, and TV guestings whenever we could. I liked performing and making music for our fans as Woo and watching my members do their thing. I would think about the actor gig later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although it’s hard living a normal life these days, I never regretted taking this path. This was what I wanted when I left Changwon. We trained for years so that we could be where we were now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But if there was anything I regretted, it’s something I still suffer from up to this day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s leaving without properly saying goodbye to the only person I've fallen in love with.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to talk later.” Jeonghan had told me the moment I got into the van. We just landed in Seoul from Japan, the last stop of our Asia Tour for the year.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about?” I asked blearily. I had no more energy to chat after an exhausting day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Later."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan pulled me into his room when we arrived at the dorm. He hated people lying on his bed but I had no fucks to give that moment so I jumped on his bed and thanked heavens for soft mattresses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck?” He exclaimed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatever.” I dismissed him. “What’s the thing you wanna tell me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I received some money.” Jeonghan started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What money?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your money. Six months’ worth of it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I got up from the bed. “What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m still looking into it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please make it fast.” I sighed. I was sorry for sounding so commanding but I was tired and I couldn’t think straight at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan gave me a pointed look. I knew that look. It was the look he was giving me since I asked him to do this three years ago but since it's the only favor I've ever asked him (aside from the time I borrowed twenty million from him which I already paid long ago), he couldn't have the heart to not do it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Two days later, Jeonghan came to me telling me that the bank had provided some details regarding the deposit. It was made in Seoul and it was under the name Kim Juyeon. I put down the game console I was holding when I heard the name. It couldn’t be just a coincidence. I was certain it wasn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan didn’t know what to do or say to pacify my anger. Before I started to panic, I had asked Jeonghan to make the call. Seokmin picked up after forever and I knew he knew he was in deep shit because he really was. I was watching Jeonghan shout at the phone while thinking of possible scenarios as to how the Kims found out about the money I was supplying them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was doing it through Seokmin and for the last three years, I was sending a part of my salary to them. It wasn't that much in the first year. When we started earning, I was also sending more. It wasn’t only them that benefitted from me. Seokmin also gave money to charitable institutions in Heuksan. I didn't care where he brought my income as long as it was used to help people or causes. The cash helped buy new equipment for the island's major hospital and public schools, supported the livelihood of some fishermen who needed additional assistance, and built a satellite to provide better mobile signal and fast internet to the people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How the fuck did that happen?. Why didn't you tell me, you idiot?!" Jeonghan yelled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's a good thing that there's no one in our apartment. It's a free day and all of the members decided to go out to meet their friends or family. Jeonghan could shout all he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The call ended half an hour later. I let Jeonghan rest first because he seemed exhausted before I asked him to elaborate what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mingyu found out." That's all Jeonghan had to say to send chills down my spine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I haven't heard that name in three years, haven't said it out loud either. I couldn't hide forever. I knew he was bound to find out about it sooner or later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He learned about it and threatened Seokmin that he won't talk to him again if he won't tell him everything so the idiot did." Jeonghan continued. "Mingyu doesn't want to do anything with your money."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aside from donating, I also asked Seokmin through Jeonghan to allocate a certain amount to help Yujin with her medicines, send Juyeon to college, and for Mingyu to attend courses in a technical college so he could at least learn about machines. Seokmin masked it as government donations. He let them believe that Yujin's monthly medicine ration was from the mayor's office, Juyeon's scholarship was from a wealthy alumni and he got chosen because of his good grades, and Mingyu's technical school tuition was from the Lee family. He wouldn't refuse it if it was from them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one told me to do this. At the beginning, I just really wanted to donate to the island because the people of Heuksan deserved to live a comfortable life too and experience some things that people of Seoul were lucky enough to experience. But, I found out that Juyeon was having problems enrolling himself to his chosen university because they didn't have enough money anymore. Some of the money Mingyu saved was spent on Yujin's meds. I was doing well, I had enough to spare so I gave more to Seokmin. The money grew as I earned more and then I had enough to also support Mingyu and Yujin's medical expenses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How did he find out?" I asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Seokmin slipped."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As simple as that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seokmin was afraid of Jeonghan. He made it clear that no one should find out about it or else he would come down to Heuksan to personally kill his cousin. Being Mingyu’s best friend, Seokmin could only do so much to keep his mouth shut for us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't ask further. The beans were spilled. There's no use in lamenting over it. I guess it's the end of my duty to Mingyu's family. Juyeon's graduating next semester, Yujin was doing pretty great, and Mingyu had already started using the skills he acquired from school. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What do we do now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nothing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're gonna stop now?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shrugged. "I guess so."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should have long time ago."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't have to repeat myself, hyung."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just saying."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeonghan left after we sorted out our problems. I kept telling myself it would be okay but the guilt remained eating me up from within.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Out of the three siblings, I didn’t expect that Yujin would be the one to contact me first. My bet was on Juyeon because we were more acquainted and it’s in his personality to confront someone to clear something out. Moreover, he’s currently an intern at a cable channel headquartered in Seoul. There could be many chances that we would bump into each other. Yujin, on the other hand, was the more passive type. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I got the call only a few days after we got found out. She wanted to meet in private since she knew I couldn't afford to be seen in public with a girl. I invited her to our studio. I asked Jihoon to vacate it for a day so Yujin and I could have some privacy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She came after her class. She’s a freshman in the university and was granted a full scholarship because of her talent. I didn’t worry about her. I knew she could make it and graduate with honors without a sweat. I was relieved that she pursued Design (Interior Design. Her interest shifted in high school but it’s still great that she could practice her creativity) instead of taking up a business course just for the sake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi.” She shyly greeted me. She had grown up but she was still meek and awkward around me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you? I’m so glad to see you again.” I slid a cup of milk tea that I ordered earlier towards here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She uttered thanks before he stabbed the cup with the straw. “I’m not used to seeing you with short hair.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now, I’m sporting a side part hairstyle. I have kept my hair shorter and dyed it with darker shades lately. No more blond or other fancy colors for me in the meantime.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Which is better, though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any. You look good either way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We both laughed at that. It’s nice that we still could talk like this. She had matured and probably got over her indifference toward me. I liked that she was growing more like Juyeon. She got his pointed nose and the curl of his lips. Her eyes, she got it from Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just wanna let you know that I’m not mad at you.” She told me. “You broke my brother’s heart but you saved my life. You saved our lives.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mingyu-oppa was mad when he found out but I think he’s mad not because you gave us money. It’s deeper than that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yujin was thankful because if it weren’t for me, she could be dead now and they would be buried in debt. She cleared that she wasn’t siding on anyone. She had no right to meddle in between his brother and me and she wasn’t one bit interested in what happened to us. Yet, she wanted to free his brother from all the bitterness I caused him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I knew about you the moment I saw you.” Yujin admitted. I wasn’t surprised. It’s impossible that not one person had recognized me on the island however remote it was. “I never told anyone while you were there because I didn’t wanna cause trouble.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She said she had an inkling that I was a celebrity when she first saw me at the Lee Family restaurant and that she was sure she had seen me somewhere. As a teenager that time, although not that much, she used to follow some boy groups. Out of curiosity, she tried searching my name on the internet and that’s when she confirmed who I really was. It was quite easy to find out. If Mingyu wasn't such a busy person and wasn't too occupied with being with me, he could've known about my identity sooner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Yujin who told Mingyu the truth after I left. "He was really hurt when you left. It was the first time I've seen Mingyu-oppa sad over someone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry." That's all I could say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I knew you weren't gonna stay but I expected you to at least break it off with my brother properly."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't have any excuses at that time. Even now, I still couldn't find a reason good enough to justify what I did. There were nights when I thought about it and imagined the could-have-beens if I didn't do what I did. "It was the only way I know that was less painful for me. When it’s time to go, we can't be together anymore. It was so sudden. I wasn't ready to leave Mingyu yet but I had to go so I could start working on paying back the money I borrowed."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, Yujin understood and accepted my apology. She's calm just like always.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If it's okay, I have one more request." Yujin said as we made our way to the elevator outside the studio.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even if it's impossible, I would grant it. I owe her that much. "What is it?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Give Mingyu-oppa a closure."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>"When are you gonna tell me who's that guy?" Seungcheol asked as he pointed at my blurry home screen wallpaper. Only my face could be seen but it was evident that there's someone beside me in the photo. You could see their shoulder and arm and two shadows behind us.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungcheol had been asking me about it ever since I came back from Heuksan and saw that I was using a wallpaper with my face on it for the first time. He knew it was taken on the island but he never got an answer from me whenever he asked who the hidden person was.  I never talked about my vacation to anyone, even to Seungcheol who I share most of my thoughts with. I chose to bury whatever happened in Heuksan to save myself from guilt and pain. Talking about it would just relive the happiest yet tragic six months of my life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But I guess I couldn’t hide from the past forever. It’s catching up on me and I was getting filled with memories of it ever since I learned that Mingyu found out about me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sat up from my bed and unlocked my phone. I pulled up the original photo from a folder that I kept in my cloud. It contained all the pictures I had taken on the island, with or without Mingyu. My current wallpaper was the one Mingyu took when we went to the lighthouse on a cliff. It’s our first photo. We took a lot after that especially when we were already together. I loved taking his photos when he wasn’t looking. It’s obvious that I loved his face but he never stopped me. He just let me make him my muse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening the folder felt like a healed wound was cut open again. Seeing those photos hurt a great deal. Seeing how happy I was with Mingyu, how I only felt that happiness with him, made me regret my past actions more. I was reminded of how I was so in love with him but never got the chance to tell him. I could but I never did because I chose to run away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey.” Seungcheol called out, touching my arm. “Are you okay? I was just asking about the photo. I didn’t mean to upset you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked up at him from my phone. “Have you ever been in love?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Although we were close like brothers, I knew it was a topic that we’re still not comfortable talking with each other. I knew some of Seungcheol’s relationships and he was very much aware about Dongyoon but we never sat down and discussed something as serious and as complex as love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I have to answer that question.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t stop myself from nodding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it with that person?” Seungcheol jerked his head towards my phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I nodded again. I gave him my phone to look at the full picture of my wallpaper, the one where Mingyu’s face could be clearly seen. “His name is Mingyu. I met him while I was in Heuksan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungcheol smiled as he looked at the photo. “He’s handsome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Likewise, I smiled at the memory of Mingyu’s beautiful face. He was really handsome, the most attractive guy I’ve ever laid eyes on. “He is. It’s hard to look at other guys after that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s true. When I got back, I got to a point where I tried meeting other people for me to stop thinking about him. I went to the usual clubs I go to but no one was good enough, no one was handsome enough, I was never attracted to anyone even if they were good-looking by definition. I eventually stopped when I got tired and gave up dating altogether. Being busy with work made it easy for me to not look for Mingyu’s replacement because, let’s be honest, no one could get to his level.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I told Seungcheol what happened to us from the beginning up to the last day I saw him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I hadn’t seen Mingyu again after giving him the money. He had no idea I was boarding the boat going back to the city the following day. That time, it was the easiest option for us to part. That time, I believed it was the best for us. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're a dick!" Seungcheol scolded me. "How could you do that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was an idiot three years ago."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, you were!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I met her sister recently and she asked me to give her brother a closure."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was very noble of you to support his family even if you're not together anymore but it seemed like it was only your way to clear your conscience. You did the dude wrong and you expect him to just forgive you just because you acted like his sugar daddy?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I swear Seungcheol could sometimes talk like this especially when he's so riled up. Nevertheless, everything he said was unfortunately true. It was a way for me to get some sleep at night and it was quite effective. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The dude deserves an explanation. But only if he wants it." Seungcheol went on. "If he doesn't want to see you anymore, don't push it. Leave him be so he could peacefully move on."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But what if I don't want him to move on from me?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungcheol looked at me incredulously. I felt like he was only stopping himself from hitting me on the head with a hammer or something. "You have no right, Wonwoo."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I still love him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But you're an asshole."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"His asshole."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He freaked out, covering his ears and screaming on top of his lungs. I had forgotten that I was talking to a straight guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't make this about you, Wonwoo."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>I wish I could make our reunion as fancy and romantic as it was in the movies. But I couldn’t. To say the least, it was bland as hell. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yujin had invited me to a gallery where some of her works were exhibited. She had three paintings there and was the only amateur featured for the month-long exhibition. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I got the message from her, I knew it was the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In spite of his bulkier frame, Mingyu was the same. His skin was still golden, his eyes still sparkled, and his smiles were still wide. He never lost his charm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I came in a little bit late to not attract attention. Jeonghan was against this. He didn’t want us to make public appearances that weren’t approved by management or go to events that could make the headlines the next morning. He was livid when I told him where I was going but Seungcheol defended me and assured Jeonghan that he would take responsibility if this went down south.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>My worries dissolved as I entered and noticed that it was an intimate event and people who attended mostly did not recognize who I was even if I removed the cap I was wearing. People didn’t care who I was as they were there to check out art. I spotted the siblings standing in front of a piece, Yujin was talking to a bunch of guests while Juyeon and Mingyu only looked on as they sipped their champagne.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to wander around first to calm my nerves. It’s been a while since I've been in the same room as Mingyu. Performing in large venues with thousands of pairs of eyes watching me should have made me braver. But the thought of talking to Mingyu again scared me more than making mistakes during a live show.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was Juyeon who approached me while I was getting my second glass of wine. I was caught off guard when he leaned forward to check if it was really me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wonwoo-hyung?” He said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I almost spilled my drink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, shit. It’s really you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reluctantly, I fixed my cap. “Hi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We moved to the side to continue talking. “What are you doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yujin invited me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Juyeon turned to where Mingyu was standing. “Does he know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I shook my head. “No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna flip when he finds out you’re here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. But, I have to talk to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good luck with that, hyung.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pushed him away so he could leave me alone again. I didn’t want Mingyu to notice me yet. “Go. He might see us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay okay.” Juyeon took another glass. “It’s nice to see you, hyung. I’m happy you came.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I looked around one more time to kill time before I finally got found. I was looking at a painting of a night at the beach. The picture gave off a poignant vibe, the moon was full and bright and the waves crashing to the shore. It felt familiar, like the painting was speaking to me.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you plan to hide all night?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I froze when I heard that voice. I knew who it belonged to. I couldn’t stall anymore. So, I turned around and there I locked eyes with him for the first time in three years. My knees felt weak, my mouth dried, my heart ballooned inside my chest. I couldn’t explain how happy and wretched I was to be seen by him again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mingyu.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>After congratulating Yujin, Mingyu and I went up to the rooftop of the building to talk. I was relieved that I didn’t have to beg for him to come with me. He’s very cooperative and composed, not what I expected of him based on what his siblings were telling about his composure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you wanna talk about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A lot of things. I wasn’t sure if tonight was enough to clear everything between us but I had to take this shot because maybe this was the only shot I got to explain to Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How are you?” I began. I tried to be light.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” Mingyu answered. “I’m now working at an auto shop at home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good.” I smiled. “When did you get here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Two days ago. I was just visiting for Yujin’s exhibit. I’m going back tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We were sitting on two old wooden stools facing the street below us. It wasn’t that late yet, honking cars set the mood for us. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-” I hesitated, swallowing even if my mouth was dry. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I finally looked up at him. In this distance, I could clearly see his expression. He was just a yard away, so close for me to reach for him. But his face was unreadable. He’s looking back at me with a blank face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t mean to leave without saying goodbye. It’s just what I thought was the right thing to do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He chuckled and it sent a faint ache in my chest. “You make me laugh, Wonwoo. Or should I call you Woo instead?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn’t reply so he continued. “I got over it. I knew you wouldn’t stay so I had no right to hold you back. Your life was here. Over the years, I realized that the time when we were together was only good until it lasted. I was hurt because I was left behind, but even if you said goodbye I would still be left behind. You would still move on without me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu looked up at the starless sky and smiled. “I loved you, I was sure of that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, he looked at me and I knew he was saying the truth. Knowing I wasn’t the only one who felt that way gave me peace but it still hurt because Mingyu was talking about the past. It wasn’t the case now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was the happiest when we’re together. You showed me how it was to care for someone more than for myself. For a time, I wished that feeling would last. I wanted to be with you for a long time. But when I found out who you really are, I woke up from that delusion. I’m just an island boy and you’re you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tears I was keeping in began to fall. “Don’t say that, Mingyu.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to apologize. I was mad at the beginning but it passed. I understand where you’re coming from. Even if we continued our relationship, we would still eventually break up and hurt each other more.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But why did you return the money?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu sighed. “I don’t wanna owe you anything. Thank you for helping us but it’s enough. I’m fine with you being friends with Yujin and Juyeon but don’t give us any more money. ”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I tried to explain to him that I was only trying to help. As the eldest son, Mingyu had a sense of responsibility and ego came with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you forgiven me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nodded. “I have. Although, I prefer if we don’t see each other anymore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hearing it from him pained me so much. Years had passed but my heart still yearned for him. I still wanted to be with him. I still wanted to be in love with him. My lips still wanted to kiss him. I still wanted him to hold me and never let me go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wish I could turn back time to make things right." I told him as I sobbed through the pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t. All we could do is move forward.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I pulled my head back up to find Mingyu’s eyes. I might regret saying this but since I already had a lot of regrets in my life, adding another one wouldn’t hurt anymore. “I still love you, Mingyu.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sobbed harder when Mingyu took me in his arms and rocked us both a bit. I missed the ocean scent of his skin and how his firm chest gave me security. I wanna go back to this and remain in this for as long as I could. I wanna make him fall in love with me again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll regret saying that tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe I would but right now it was all my heart was screaming. “I still wanna be with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I’m gonna be honest, I wanna be with you too.” He said honestly when I looked up at him. “It’s just that, it’s not our time to be together yet. I don’t know when but it’s not right now. You have your career. I’m starting mine. Let’s focus on that first. If I decided to be with you again, I wanna do it right. I want us to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> together. I don’t want to be in Heuksan and you here in Seoul and call that a relationship. I don't want to hide from everyone. I wanna show you to the world but that would ruin your image. I want to be able to see you a few days a week and spend time with you. When the time is right, if we still want each other, let’s be together. Not now, Wonwoo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu gently cupped my cheeks. He spoke to my eyes with so much kindness and even though he was essentially telling me to stop wanting, I couldn’t help myself but do otherwise. “You can’t force a flower to bloom.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He allowed me to stay in his arms for a few more moments. I cried more. I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to convince him that we could do this. We could work things out. If only he would believe in me. But knowing how resilient Mingyu was, I couldn’t win this fight no matter how hard I tried.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When I stopped, he wiped my tears and kissed the tip of my nose. He told me I haven’t changed. My hair only got shorter (he liked it shorter) but told me he still found my face alluring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I got what he meant. I understood his point and even though the stubborn part of myself wanted to argue, the more sensible part agreed. You can’t force a flower to bloom. You have to water it, take care of it, nurture it before you can fully see its beauty. Just like us, we still needed to be with ourselves to blossom into our full potential. When that time comes, we could be two flowers complementing each other’s splendor. Until then, we had to be apart. Mingyu still wanted to work on his boat. In order to do that, he still had to work hard and learn more. I still had to fulfill my duties in my group, build my reputation further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We still had a lot of things to learn from each other. The five months that we’re together wasn’t enough. I wasn’t entirely truthful about myself at that time. I hadn’t told him yet the real reason why I was sent to Heuksan. I wanted to share with him more parts of me, both Wonwoo and Woo, my music, my past. Perhaps I could when the right time Mingyu was talking about comes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Letting go was harder on my part. I was scared to be separated from him for the second time. But he told me to trust him, to trust myself. If things didn’t fall into place, it meant we really were not meant to be together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Staying in Heuksan opened my eyes to so many things. In the five months I've been there, I learned how to value life and things I usually take for granted, I realized how privileged I am. I discovered some parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I found out that I had so much talent in me and I could create wonderful music even without being influenced by drugs and alcohol. I found out that I was capable of loving genuinely and deeply and that I could be loved back the same way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mingyu showed me the kind of love I wanted and deserved. If I could do it all again, I would still go back to Heuksan and choose him. I wouldn't have it any other way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you, soon.” That was the last thing Mingyu had told me. It was a mutual decision to not contact each other from now on. Starting off again with a clean slate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were a few things I knew and didn't know in this life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>I didn't know I could break someone's heart and get mine shattered into pieces as well. I didn't know leaving would hurt me that much. I didn't know I would end up falling in love. I didn't know that after this closure, there would still be hope for another beginning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite these uncertainties, I knew one thing. It's Mingyu. It would always be Mingyu.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>- There's really an island called Heuksan in Korea but it isn't as isolated as what was described in the story. I just used it as reference :D<br/>- Songs looped heavily while writing: Never Not by Lauv, I Don't Care by Ed Sheeran, Nervous by Gavin James, Bittersweet by Sara Bareilles, and Do I Deserve It by Kino. (basically thank you Mingyu and Wonwoo for the songs hahah)<br/>- Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this! ^^</p></blockquote></div></div>
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